alexisjane

Chapter Twenty-Five

There was a hint of light in the sky by the time Jensen put his key in the lock. As usual, Harley pounded down the hallway to greet him. Less usual was Jared doing the same right behind him.

"Oh thank God! Where the fuck have you been?!" He launched himself at Jensen, words and actions violent with worry and relief. "Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me."

Jensen let himself be smothered in Jared's embrace, feeling safe pressed against his heaving chest until he started to feel like Jared was actually going to crush him to death.

"Jay, I'm fine. What's gotten into you?"

It wasn't until he took a step back that he could see that his amazing plan to prevent Jared from worrying had really not worked. Jared's face was drawn and pale and Jensen didn't want to think about what the red rings around his eyes meant.

"I've been trying to call you all night and I couldn't get through, so I thought I'd call Ty so he could give you the message but then he said you didn't show and I had no idea where you could be and I rang and rang..."

"Holy shit, Jay. I'm so sorry! Oh God, I'm an idiot."

"I just kept thinking maybe you got into an accident on the way back or..."

"Oh Jesus." Jensen stepped back into Jared and yanked him in, holding him tight. They stayed that way until Harley yawned melodramatically and Jared huffed a laugh into Jensen’s neck. Jared kissed him on the mouth and despite his better judgment, knowing the things he would have to say, the truths that were about to come out, he opened his lips and let Jared slide right in. Jensen clutched the sides of Jared’s head tight, fingers wound in Jared's long hair, teeth and tongues and the whole hard line of their bodies against each other until it was too much, too close to it ending with them falling naked to the ground.

Jensen pulled away. "Need coffee" he mumbled.

Jared nodded and pushed away, smiling. "And to brush your teeth. You taste like you drank a Starbucks already."

Jensen poked him in the back as they walked toward the kitchen in retaliation but he knew it was true.

The coffee pot was already warming and Jared poured a mug for him, topped up his own and came to sit next to Jensen at the breakfast bar. "So you wanna tell me where you've been since yesterday?" Jared didn't look or sound angry but Jensen could see the tension that had been there when he opened the door, clawing its way back to the surface.

"Mostly driving around."

"Mostly?"

Jensen steeled himself. He had been driving around and he had come up with a plan and he had to stick with it. He'd cried a lot, beat the steering wheel with his hands until he remembered the airbag and stared out the window, terrified, trying to figure out what to do. Until he realized knew, he already had a plan. It had been gifted to him twice. He was simply going to talk, like he had to Danneel, just say everything, every I love you, every I don't care, every –

"So, Gen called..." Jensen looked up from his mug. Jared looked at him sheepish, pale again and reached out to Jensen. "I'm so sorry, Jen. This is all my fault. I didn't think...I'm so sorry."

~•~

There had been some yelling. Actually, there was quite a lot of yelling. Mostly Jensen but Jared had retaliated when Jensen had started to freak Harley out. One look at the poor boy, trying to slink away into the lounge, the giant dog trying to compress himself to occupy the smallest possible space, broke Jensen’s heart all over again and he'd ended up lying on the floor with him rubbing his belly in apology while Harley tried to lick his moving hand.

Jared towered over him, his face expressionless. "I think we should...I think we need to sleep before we talk about this."

Jensen nodded without looking up. He roughly kissed Harley on the face and then pushed himself up and headed up the stairs without so much as glancing at Jared.

When he came out of the shower, the old tension and coffee breath washed away, Jared was already in bed, on his back, face turned away from Jensen’s side of the bed. They had made a promise when they started out that if they ever fought, that they would always still sleep in the same bed. The whole grabbing a pillow and heading for the spare room might have been easier, but it was too close to the slippery slope down to the end. As Jensen tried to get comfortable next to Jared whose anxiety was oozing out onto his side of the bed, he wished he hadn't come up with the suggestion in the first place.

They both lay there for the longest time, minutes probably but the ache in his bones made Jensen feel like it was hours, until finally he muttered, "Fuck this. I'm not fucking doing this," and threw the covers off his legs to sit up. In an instant Jared was on him, strong hands gripping his hips, his waist, pinning him to the bed.

"No! No, please Jen, please don't! I'll do anything...anything, just...just please don't..."

Jensen managed to twist round in Jared's grip to see his horrified desperate, tear-streaked face trying to hold back the sobs that were so close to the surface.

"Oh God, Jared, I..." He reached down and used his palm to wipe the wetness from Jared's cheek and then held his jaw. "I was just going to put the light on...so I could see you...so I could say I was sorry."

Jared looked at him, untrusting for a moment but then let go of him. Jensen flicked the light on and then turned to sit cross-legged on the bed. "I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…I should have let you explain and not started yelling like that. If you want to tell me, I'll listen."

"No more yelling?"

"No. No yelling. And I'm...I am sorry about that. Just tell me..."

~•~

It had come down to three words.

Jared had been in a bad place. Coping with sobriety wasn’t as hard as it could have been, he’d been dry plenty of times before but once Genevieve found out about him and Jensen, he couldn’t deal with it. He knew it was his fault, knew he was to blame. He had wanted Jensen from the first moment he had seen him and to find out that he was wanted back…he couldn’t help himself. He knew how much it would hurt his sister but he’d done it anyway. He thought he could live with the guilt of that.

Genevieve’s revelation just felt like another righteous blow. Of course, it would happen. If he loved someone and that someone loved him back, of course they would turn out to be the one person they should never, ever want. It was his life. There was something twisted in him. He had always known it, had always been told it was there and now there was proof. Because he didn’t give a shit whether Jensen was his brother, he still needed him and still wanted him. Still loved him.

But when he had seen Jensen, when he had come to the house to talk but they had ended up fucking on the hallway floor, Jared had been so hurt and confused and couldn’t help all the crazy words that started pouring out of his mouth but he had thought for a moment that they had a chance.

But then there were those three little words.

“When you said you didn’t want me–”

“Wait! What? I never said that!”

“You said ‘I don’t care’ That’s what you said.”

“Yes but I…I didn’t mean that…I meant that I didn’t care about anything but you. Only you. I wanted to tell you I loved you but…”

“That would have changed everything…”

“What on earth made you think I wouldn’t want you?”

Everything after that had been a blur, like Jared was already dead and his body was just finding ways to catch up. He loved Jensen, wanted him and knew he always would but he couldn’t see anyway to live knowing Jensen hated him.

But then he couldn’t even get that right.

When the nurses had brought Genevieve in to see him after they had patched him up, she had been so calm. “Why, Jay?”

“He hates me…but I can’t stop loving him. And he’s your brother too.”

She had cried and cried and he had been so confused by the way she kept apologizing until she told him about the affair, about Jeff finding out that Genevieve wasn’t his and how Jensen was right outside, how he did care, did love him and they needed to find a way to fix this.

It was Jared’s idea to lie to Jensen. “Just tell him it was me not you that Dad found out about, I mean there’s a chance, right, that I’m not his either?”

“What the hell am I supposed to say to him?”

“I don’t know, Gen, I…I don’t want him to hate me.”

He didn’t ask what she had said. It didn’t cross his mind that she had mentioned the time she got ill, that he had talked about that day in the kitchen. The day Jensen started to go a little weird on him.

He had noticed it. Jensen looking at him with sad eyes, holding him extra tight, waking up in the night to find him already awake and watching Jared sleep. But he’d accepted the explanations nightmare project, difficult client, need a vacation, but when Jensen said he was heading home for a couple of days, he knew something was up, that something had shifted and he thought maybe it was time. To talk. Really talk about everything. Just as soon as Jensen got home.

~•~

“But then you didn’t come home…”

Jensen reached out and pushed his fingers into Jared’s clenched fists. “I did. It just took me a little longer than it should have.”

Jared looked up at him. “I’m sorry, Jen. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have told you. I kinda lost my mind a little.”

Jensen shook his head. “Maybe you shouldn’t have lied. But it doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t have made you feel like you needed to. I should have talked to you, should have told you how I felt. I’m so sorry, Jay.”

“So…”Jared’s eyes flicked up to Jensen’s but he looked back down at their hands almost immediately. “Does it make a difference? Does it change…?”

“No.” Jensen voice was firm, “No. Nothing has changed. I love you and I want to be with you and I told you already…” he took hold of Jared’s chin and forced him to look up, “…nothing is going to change that.”

Jared smiled and it looked like a weight was falling away from him. “So, should I do it? Take the DNA test? We’d know for sure.”

Jensen smiled and shook his head. “No. Why waste the money? I can think of a thousand things I’d rather spend it on.”

Jared leaned forward and placed his soft lips to Jensen’s and whispered, “Oh yeah? Like what?”

Jensen smirked. “Well, right now, I’d pay you to sleep. I’m so tired, can we sleep now?”

They lay back, Jared pulling the sheet over them, Jensen slotting his back up against Jared’s chest. Jared’s arms wrapped around him, holding him tight, both of them exhaling with the comfort of it. Jared nestled his head into the back of Jensen’s neck. “We’re okay, aren’t we, Jen?”

Jensen took Jared’s hand from his chest and brought it to his mouth, kissing the palm of it before putting it back over his heart. He whispered, “We are, Jay. We definitely are,” before sleep overwhelmed him. He wasn’t sure if Jared heard it but he must have at least known it, as he was sleeping too.

Chapter Twenty-Four--- Masterpost --- Epilogue