alexisjane

Chapter Eleven

Jared had been quiet through dinner. Jensen didn't push. He wanted to reassure him, say the right things, but everything'll be okay seemed more insulting than anything, a horrible lie given that Jared's life had been turned upside down. So Jensen sat quietly and waited for him to talk when and if he wanted to. He didn't, only to say that he was feeling tired and wanted to turn in early. Jensen helped him through getting settled down and then headed for the couch in his office, intending to do the same.

Jensen hadn't been sleeping since they returned from the hospital. He could have passed it off as the disturbance of having to sleep on the pull out but it wasn't as if he had been sleeping much before that. In fact, the best sleep he'd had in the last two years was sitting at Jared's bedside in that horrible plastic chair. His insomnia had only started after the accident, so somehow it made sense to him that being back in that environment meant that his brain decided he could sleep.

So it wasn't unusual for him to be staring at the ceiling, a thousand thoughts clamoring for his attention while he traced the crack in the plaster with his eyes at two in the morning. He thought he imagined the first shout, but the second stifled scream found him on his feet, and running for the door, before it had even ended.

He burst into the bedroom not knowing quite what to expect. He was surprised to find the lamp next to the bed was on but Jared was asleep, thrashing about on his back, tears on his face, tearing at his t-shirt. Jensen huffed out a breath in relief, a feeling of stupidity passing over him for even thinking that someone could have made it into the apartment and to Jared without him knowing. Jensen strode to the bedside, saying Jared's name softly at first but louder when Jared still wouldn't wake. He was reluctant to touch him after what had happened at the hospital but he started to worry that Jared was going to really hurt himself so he grabbed Jared by the shoulders and shook him.

Jared's eyes flew open and Jensen could see, for a few horrifying seconds, his brain trying to process the jump from dream to reality. When he finally saw Jensen looming over him, his features crumpled and he began to sob. His fists bunched in Jensen's t-shirt and it didn't take more than gravity to bring Jensen down to his knees, his arms around Jared, while the man sobbed uncontrollably into Jensen's neck, holding him so tightly Jensen could feel the scar on his chest pulling at his skin.

They stayed that way until Jensen's back was screaming at the awkward angle. He shifted slightly and Jared started to pull himself together; lying back, sniffing and covering his face with his good hand. Jensen struggled up to his feet and put his hand on Jared's chest, as he whispered, "You okay?" Jared nodded but didn't make any signs of uncovering his face. Jensen sighed; knowing full well the humiliation Jared was feeling. He patted him gently, and shifted his stance. "Come on, let's sit you up."

Jensen slid his hands under Jared's back, not distracted at all by the damp heat seeping into his skin from Jared’s thin t-shirt, and helped him sit up against the headboard. Then he went into the bathroom and wet a washcloth under the cold tap. He wiped the snot and tears from his own neck, and then folded it, handing it clean side out to Jared, saying, "Hot drink, yeah?" Jared took the cloth and pressed it to his face, nodding without looking up.

When Jensen returned with two mugs of hot chocolate, Jared was sitting in the same position. Jensen sat on the bed and nudged Jared with his elbow. Jared kept his head down as he took the drink but Jensen could hear the surprise in Jared's worn voice. "You made cocoa?"

Jensen shrugged. "My mom used to make it for me when I was a kid and had nightmares. I've since made a few additions to the recipe..." Jared took a sip and his face contorted. Jensen sipped at his too and realized maybe he'd been a little heavy handed with the bourbon. "Just don't tell Rachel, okay? She'll kick my ass."

Jared smiled but kept his head tucked down. He sipped his drink and occasionally wiped his eyes with the back of his hand until Jensen ventured, "You wanna tell me about it?"

Jared huffed out a breath. "Do I really need to?"

He had a point. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Jensen blew into his mug, and shrugged. "Well, if you want to..." Jensen knew he wouldn't, and offered instead, "After my accident, I had the same thing. Nightmares, I mean. Everyone went on and on about 'sharing' and 'getting it out'..."

Jared glanced up. His eyes were red and his face was blotchy and shiny. "Did you?"

Jensen smiled. "Nope." Jared smiled back. Jensen shook his head. "Not until it got so bad I was afraid to fall asleep. Then I talked to a shrink about it and it got better. I still don't sleep much but no nightmares anymore."

Jared nodded and sipped his drink. They were quiet a long time before he said, "But you slept at the hospital. Like...every other time I woke up you were sleeping?"

Jensen smiled. "I guess the smell of disinfectant knocks me out or something."

Jared smiled and sat up a little straighter. As the alcohol-laden cocoa went down, he seemed to visibly relax. Jensen drained his mug and when Jared had finished his, he took them both to the kitchen and rinsed them out. When he returned to the bedroom, expecting to just settle Jared back down and then go back to staring at the ceiling, Jared seemed almost frantic again. His eyes were wet when he looked up at Jensen. "I don't want to close my eyes. Isn't that stupid? Just 'cause of a ridiculous dream?"

Jensen sat down on the edge of the bed. "No. No, I get it. What do you want to do instead? You should really sleep..." Jared squeezed his eyes tight and shook his head. Jensen felt for him, knew the exhaustion and the terror, could feel it like an echo reverberating around the room. He sighed. "I could sit with you...if you want? I could –"

"Would you read to me?" Jared's voice was quiet but so earnest. Jensen just stared at him, not sure how he should respond. "When you read to me in the hospital...I wasn't awake for all of it but it...it stopped me from freaking out."

Jensen felt himself nod and get up, but it seemed like he wasn't fully in control of his body. He got Jared to lay back down, trying to not let his attention be drawn to the feeling of Jared's arm around his back. He was surprised to find the copy of Moby Dick on the nightstand under the Sam Spade Jared had been reading that day. Jensen drew it from under the other book and was about to pull the chair closer to the bed when he realized Jared was plumping up the pillow next to him and pulling the covers flat. Chris's words don't do anything stupid ricocheted around his skull but he consoled himself with the thought that it wasn't stupid – if anything, it was mind-blowingly idiotic – as he sat on the bed next to Jared.

"You want me to go back a bit or..." Jensen asked, as he thumbed through the pages.

"Doesn't matter." Jared’s voice was already heavy with sleep. He snuggled against the pillow, turning to face Jensen as best he could. He didn't close his eyes, just lowered them.

Jensen took a deep breath and held it until he found the place among the pages that looked right, then he let it all out and started to read.

When he woke up, daylight was competing for dominance with the light from the lamp. At first, Jensen wasn't sure what was different, but then he realized that being in his own bed was wrong. He shouldn't be there. Jared's face shouldn't be buried in his neck. Jensen shouldn't have his arm draped over Jared's chest, and when he moved, Jared shouldn't be holding onto his shoulder trying to keep him in place.

Jensen slowly pulled away from Jared's warm breath and firm body, trying not to wake him but Jared's eyes fluttered open. They looked at each other for a moment before Jared whispered, "Thank you."

All Jensen could think to say was, "You're welcome," as he slid backwards out of the bed. Jared smiled and closed his eyes again.

Jensen stood in the shower for a long time, thinking about the way Jared's fingertips had found their way under the sleeve of his t-shirt and how they pressed into the muscle of his shoulder, smooth but insistent. He muttered over and over, that he wasn't going to touch himself but came so hard when he did, he had to cover his mouth to keep from calling out. And it was Jared's name muffled against his palm when he did.

~•~

Jensen would have loved to have been able to say that if Jared hadn't mentioned it again, that he wouldn't have spent another night in bed with Jared. But the following night, if Jared hadn't held out the book to him with pleading eyes, he would have offered. After a week of this, Jensen didn't even make a pretense of going to sleep in the office. They would spend their days pretty much as they had before but at night, Jensen would settle Jared down, helping him change and get into a comfortable position to sleep in. Then he would shower, change into his sleep clothes, and then settle down to read until Jared and he fell asleep. He never got in the bed, just sat on top, pulling the spare comforter over himself when he got sleepy.

The day after Jared had finally had the splints taken off his fingers, Jensen woke up with both pairs of hands on him. Jared was mostly on his side, fists bunched in Jensen's t-shirt at his chest, pulling Jensen forward and pressing his forehead in between them. Part of him wanted to ask why Jared held him so tightly in his sleep. At first he thought it might be his nightmare, having to hold onto the bridge, clinging for dear life. But something about it seemed more personal, intimate. He stopped wondering mostly as he was afraid of what the answer might be.

During the day, Jared never mentioned their sleeping arrangements, never alluded to them. He seemed relatively content to carry on as they were before. Chris would drop in ever couple of days with the news that there was no news. CSU didn't turn up anything from Jared's apartment, he was trying his best to ask around about anyone that might be ‘on the take’ but besides going to Internal Affairs…there wasn't much he could do.

"Why can't you just ask them then?" Jared's question was reasonable enough.

Jensen and Chris looked at each other. Jensen shrugged, and Chris took a deep breath. "Because they're the kind of guys that open a pickle jar with a baseball bat. Finesse is not their strong suit."

Jared's face was still frowning in doubt, so Jensen said, "If he told them your story, they would want to talk to you, bring you in, start a man-hunt. Then everybody would know where you were..."

Jared swallowed and said quietly, "In that case I think we should keep IAB out of it." Jensen and Chris nodded their agreement but kept their eyes on the floor between their feet.

That night, as they were getting settled down to sleep, Jensen found himself having a thought and didn't realize that he'd zoned out until Jared poked him with his finger. Jensen jumped and squeaked. Jared laughed out, "Oh god, I'm sorry!"

Jensen smiled. "No, I...sorry, I was miles away." He looked down to see Jared smiling up at him. Jensen was suddenly struck by an overwhelming urge to bend down and kiss Jared on the mouth. Instead, he cleared his throat and turned away. "I just thought...I may have a solution to our Internal Affairs problem."

Jared craned his neck up and tucked one hand behind his head "Oh yeah?"

Something about the way he said it, voice low enough to vibrate in his chest, scrambled Jensen's brain and he had to fight to get it back online. "Uh, yeah...I...yes, I have a...a friend who might be able to help."

"A cop friend?"

"Sort of. He's retired. Runs a private investigation firm downtown now. He's a good guy. He used to work major crime but he was friendly with a couple of people in IAB. Didn't do him any favors when he was on the job, but now...it could be just what we need."

Jared nodded slightly and asked quietly, "You think he'd help us?"

Jensen shrugged and opened the book. "I'll call him tomorrow. No harm in asking, right?" When Jared didn't respond, Jensen looked down. Jared's mouth was pursed tight into a hard line and his eyes were fixed on the ceiling. Jensen nudged him with his elbow and Jared's eyes snapped to him. "You okay?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah, just...where were we?"

Jensen smiled weakly, not wanting to push, knowing the fear and constant anxiety Jared must be going through. Instead, he turned his attention to the pages and tried not to think about the shape of Jared's lips.

The following day, Jared was sitting in his wheelchair, looking out of the window in the living room when the doorbell rang. Jensen saw him jump at the sound and felt so bad for him. It had been nearly two weeks since leaving the hospital but he was never going to feel safe until they caught the men that had attacked him. Jensen took the long way around to the door so he could squeeze Jared on the shoulder to let him know everything was okay.

When Jensen opened the door, Jeff practically launched himself inside. Jeff flung his arms around Jensen and hugged him tight. Jeff had always been a hugger, tactile, so Jensen just laughed and let him, wrapping his arms across his wide shoulders and slapping him on the back. The feel of Jeff's large body against him and rough stubble against his cheek was welcome. Jeff pulled away and held him at arms length by the shoulders. "You don't call, you don't write..."

Jensen laughed. "I could say the same to you. Besides, I called..." Jeff smiled and Jensen remembered the first time Jeff had looked at him that way. It still felt surprisingly good.

"Yeah, and I come running like the sap you always told me I was." Jensen smirked and turned to walk back into the living room. Jeff followed beside him. He reached up and put a hand on the side of Jensen's neck, his thumb brushing the side of his cheek. "You're looking good, Jen. Are you good?"

Jensen smiled up at him and nodded, "Yeah. I'm good." They grinned at each other and Jensen was about to say something about the length of Jeff's hair when he noticed Jared out of the corner of his eye. He was sitting bolt upright in the wheelchair, just staring at them with his mouth open. Jeff must have spotted him about the same time too as he pulled his hand away from Jensen like he was burning.

Jensen opened his mouth to speak but Jared broke out in a wide smile and pointed over his shoulder. "Y'know, I can always just wheel on outta here, if you need a minute to...catch up."

Jensen paused but then laughed. "No, I think we're good. Jeff, this is Jared, Jared, this is Jeff Morgan."

Jared wheeled himself forward slightly and stuck out his hand, smiling up at them. Jeff took it and shook. "I'm sorry, I didn't know Jensen was...I mean..."

Jensen laughed and slapped Jeff on the back. "He’s just a friend, Jeff. And kinda the reason I called. We could really use your help."

~•~

By the time they had filled Jeff in, the sky was growing red over the backdrop of the cityscape, and all three of them were sprawled out on the furniture. Jensen had lifted Jared onto the couch when the chair had become uncomfortable, and brought a stool for him to rest his leg on, which Jeff had smirked and raised his eyebrows at. When they had had their fill of coffee, Jensen and Jeff had moved onto beer while Jared nursed a bottle of water. Jeff sat slouched down, one arm laying across the back of the smaller couch, his legs crossed with one ankle resting on his knee. Jensen sat in pretty much the same position next to Jared, his fingertips resting on the back of the couch about an inch away from Jared's shoulder. They went over everything. Jared kept it together surprisingly well when Jeff asked him questions about the night of his attack. Jensen was evasive and vague about how he got involved; Jeff seemed to notice and didn't push.

Jeff rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers. "I don't know what to tell you, Jen. Chris is good at his job. You know that. If anyone can figure this out, it's him. I don't want to go stepping on his toes..."

Jensen nodded and sighed. "I know that. But when he was talking about IAB, it got me thinking...about your connections..."

Jeff looked surprised, then in a show of hurt, shook his head. "And there I was thinking you just wanted to see my handsome face..."

Jensen snorted. "Jeff. Come on..."

"Okay. Look, I can ask but you know those guys. They're as tightlipped as they come. I think a better angle would be to talk to that Adrienne girl again."

Jared looked confused. "You think she has something to do with it?"

Jeff shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. But if she was as scared as Jensen thinks she was, she might know something." He looked at his watch. "I have to get going." He stood and reached out to shake Jared's hand. "I'll ask around, see what I can dig up."

Jared smiled. "Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate it."

Jeff nodded and walked to the door. Jensen followed. "Thanks for coming, Jeff, and thanks for helping out. I felt like we hit a dead-end."

Jeff turned to him. "You would have figured it out, Jen. You're just a little distracted is all." Jensen opened his mouth to protest but Jeff just laughed at him and said, "I know you, don't even bother," as he gathered Jensen into an embrace.

Jeff held him tightly for a second before whispering, "Don't do anything stupid." Jensen looked at him openmouthed when he pulled away.

"And that job offer still stands. I know you don't need the money but you're a good detective, Jen. I could really use someone like you."

Jensen huffed out a laugh. "I'm still thinking about it."

Jeff smiled at him, resigned and a little sad, before turning and walking out the door, with a final wave over his shoulder, and an upbeat, "I'll be in touch."

When Jensen walked back into the living room, Jared was smiling. "So...you and Jeff, huh?"

Jensen blushed and picked up the empty bottles from the table. "It was a long time ago. Does it bother you...that I'm.."

"Oh God, no! No, I didn't mean..." Jared shook his head frantically and Jensen laughed.

"Well, okay then."

Jensen threw the bottles into the recycling bin and grabbed the takeout menus from the kitchen counter. "I feel like Thai tonight. What do you think?"

"What did Jeff mean? About the job offer? And you not needing to work?"

Jensen looked up. Jared was staring at him from across the room. Jensen sauntered over, shrugging, "When I had to leave the force, Jeff offered me a job. I can't pass the physical to be a cop anymore, so he suggested I get my PI license and go work for him."

"But you don't want to be a Private Investigator?"

Jensen sat opposite Jared, the seat still holding the warmth from Jeff's body. "I don't know. I think when he asked me, I was still too raw. The only thing I'd ever wanted to do was be a cop and losing that...my head wasn't in a good place. But now...I don't know. Maybe."

Jared nodded and looked at his hands in his lap. "But you don't need to work...?"

Jensen smiled and sighed. He hated talking about this but for some reason he didn't mind Jared knowing. It wasn't exactly a secret. "After my accident, there was insurance...and an out of court settlement...So, no. I don't need to work."

Jared nodded still looking down. When he did eventually look up, he was smiling. "In that case, Thai sounds good. Especially if you're buying."

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