alexisjane

Chapter Fifteen

Jensen was aware of Jared's fingers running over his skin before he was really aware that he was waking up. They traced the line of his clavicle, skimmed down his pec, circled his nipple, then ran up the side of his scar to the dip at his throat and started the process again.

Jensen relaxed into it. His mouth was dry and his lips felt tender. Jared liked to bite as much as kiss and Jensen hadn't felt the inclination to stop him. It made him harder than hell. And by the third time Jared had wrapped his long fingers around Jensen's over-sensitive dick, he really needed the help. Jared had mauled his mouth and demonstrated just how long those fingers were as he fucked Jensen with them, Jensen almost crying when he came, tears about the only fluid he had left in his body. He was kind of impressed when he wriggled down the bed and let Jared fuck his mouth and realized that Jared had plenty left in reserve. Jensen ended up spluttering as Jared filled him up, come spilling out of the corners of his mouth. Neither of them had spoken much, the sheer need that they had for one another showing with every touch and kiss instead.

Jensen lay there, feigning sleep as Jared's fingers made their way around him. The rhythm was soothing until they decided to go off track. On the way back up Jensen's chest, they decided to forego skirting Jensen's scar and started to smooth over the thick, glassy skin. Without thinking, Jensen's hand flew up and caught Jared roughly by the wrist.

"Sorry," Jared's voice was rough from sleep, "did I hurt you?"

Jensen opened his eyes and looked blearily over. Jared's hair was a tangle, his bangs falling down over his worried face. Jensen brought Jared's hand up to his mouth and kissed the center of his palm. Then he placed it flat over his scar. "No. There's no feeling in it. It's like a void. No sensation at all. I...I just feel self-conscious about it, I guess."

"You wanna tell me about it?" Jared's tone was casual but Jensen could tell he was dying to know. Everyone usually was.

Jensen smiled. "I'd rather kiss you stupid." He beamed and hoped the brush off worked.

Jared only snorted. "You pretty much brushed your teeth with my dick last night so I'll wait 'til the morning breath is gone, if it's all the same to you." Jensen grunted and after a pause, Jared said, "Y'know, you don't have to...tell me, I mean."

Jensen shook his head and shrugged like it was nothing. "Not that much to tell really. It was an accident."

"What kind of accident?”

The question wasn't extraordinary, or unexpected but it made Jensen start. He couldn't help but smile, feeling so silly that he should be embarrassed by having to say it out loud. But he squeezed Jared's hand and said as casually as he could, "I got shot."

Jared nodded and kissed Jensen's shoulder. "I guess bad guys'll do that."

Jensen knew he could let that go. In the past he would have, with someone else he still might, but it somehow felt important for Jared to know. He shifted, twisted around a little so he was flat on his back but a little closer towards Jared. "No, it wasn't like that. It...We got a tip. A gang-banger we were after was spotted in a twenty dollar an hour motel over on Hunter's Point. Chris and I headed down there with a new guy, Brock. He'd made detective about a week before. He was a good kid, smart, shaping up to be a good detective. He was just hanging around at the end of his shift so we asked him if he wanted to come along.

"Anyway, long story short, the banger was there, he rabbited, Chris and I chased him out the back...I remember getting to the fire exit and hearing Brock outside call out a warning, y'know, identifying himself, and I figured he got the guy. I didn't imagine he was yelling at me as I opened the door. Anyway, the banger was wearing all black like me and was about the same height...I would have made the same call."

Jared propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at Jensen. "He shot you?"

Jensen shrugged. "Like I said, I came barreling out of the door, looking like the suspect, with my gun in front of me...It was an accident."

He tried to say it like it was nothing, like the memory of feeling the punch to his chest had lessened. The look of horror on Brock's face even before the bullet had fully penetrated him. Suddenly being on the ground, wondering how on earth he'd got there so fast. Chris screaming out his name, gravel spitting up as he slid on his knees towards him. Feeling the pain appear out of nowhere, suddenly flooding his body. Chris holding his cell to his ear, calling for the paramedics, and Jensen reaching up to try to pull it away because Chris's fingers were covered in blood and Jensen was grossed out that it was getting on Chris's face and in his hair. Brock bent over him, pressing his rolled up shirt so hard onto Jensen's chest he couldn't breathe, tears running down Brock's ashen face even though he was impassive, like a shell, and Jensen wanting to say it's okay and don't worry but all that came out was, "You shot me. You shot me." until the world went black and all that was left was Chris's voice screaming out, "Stay with me, Jen! Don't go! Stay with me!"

Jared moved his hand, lacing his fingers with Jensen's, muttering, "Jesus Christ." There was something about the gesture, something tender that made Jensen catch his breath. What they had done, with and to, each other the previous night was sex, physical and personal, but this, holding Jared's hand in his, it felt truly intimate. Suddenly Jensen felt very hot and like he was suffocating.

He started to squirm away from Jared, having to say, "Sorry, gotta pee." before Jared would let him go. He stumbled naked into the bathroom, closing and locking the door without thinking about it. He stood there in the dark, one hand on either side of the doorframe, bracing himself against the imagined pain until his breathing returned to normal. He peed, splashed some water on his face and rinsed out his mouth. He was wiping his face with the corner of a towel when he heard the sound of Jared's cast clunking against the nightstand.

Jensen slid open the door, feeling slightly embarrassed. Jared was sitting on the edge of the bed, naked except for the cast on his leg. He smiled gently up at Jensen, asking softly, "You okay?" Jensen nodded. Jared nodded back and held out his arm. "Well, I'm not. Help a guy pee standing up for a change, will ya?"

Jensen smirked and walked to him. "You want me to hold it for you?"

Jared laughed as Jensen pulled him to his feet. "Maybe just hold me, huh? I think I can aim okay."

Jensen got Jared clumsily into the bathroom and then turned away. He laughed at the long, exaggerated sigh Jared let out as the sound of falling water filled the small room. When he was done, Jensen suggested that they shower and Jared was more than up for the idea. It took some effort to wrap and waterproof his cast but once they were under the water, it was worth it. Afterwards, watching Jared toweling his hair, Jensen couldn't get the look on Jared's face out of his mind, as he came with Jensen's soapy hands working him fast, rivulets of water running down his throat as he threw his head back and cried out. But all he could hear in his head was Chris's voice, Don't do anything stupid.

Jared was musing about waffles when he was dressing so Jensen pulled his ancient waffle iron out of the cupboard and was halfway through making them, when he heard Jared and his crutches clump towards the kitchen. Jared laughed out loud. "Oh my God, are you actually making them?!"

Jensen waved his tongs at him over his shoulder. "If you've changed your mind, I'm happy to eat your share too."

Suddenly, Jared was plastered against his back. "No. I want." He kissed Jensen's neck, all soft and chaste. Jensen's cock twitched and he cursed under his breath, pressing his ass back into Jared's crotch, feeling his hardening length under his jeans.

Jared moved his mouth up until his lips were on the sensitive patch just behind Jensen's ear. Jared murmured, "So...I've been thinking about what Jeff said."

Mentioning his ex had pretty much the same effect as dumping a bucket of ice water over him. The tongs clattered to the worktop and Jensen's whole body sagged. "Really? That's..." He sighed and turned to face Jared, who was smirking. "That's not funny, Jay."

Jared took a step back and smiled even wider. "Ah, come on...it's a little funny?"

Jensen picked up the tongs, silently threatened Jared with them and then went back to making the breakfast. Jared lowered himself onto a dining chair and stowed his crutches. "I really have been thinking about what he said."

Jensen checked the timer and leant a hip against the counter. "Which bit exactly?"

"What he said about Adrienne being scared. If she has taken off because of that, well it made me think. It must have something to do with the bar." He shifted in his seat and looked at his hands. He went on more quietly. "They keep asking me where it was, where I had put it, if I'd given it to anyone, if I'd looked at it...after I picked it up. I don't know. It wasn't just that they thought I had something...they thought I had taken something. And to be honest, the only place I'd been in weeks was work."

Jensen didn't want to make a big deal out of it, didn't want to draw attention to Jared being able, willing, to talk about his abduction. But then Jared looked up at him with big wet eyes and Jensen couldn't help but take a few steps and pull him close, let him bury his face in his stomach, and kissed the top of his head.

He pulled away as quickly as he arrived and went back to pull the first batch of waffles onto a plate, partly so they wouldn't burn but also so he could pull himself together before he had to speak again.

~•~

Chris showed up around midday. He looked exhausted. Jensen took the biggest mug he had down off the shelf and filled it to the brim with coffee, throwing concerned glances at his friend as he did so. The bags under his eyes and the way he scrubbed at his face with his hands, Jensen knew it was more worry than sleeplessness that was exhausting Chris. Added to that, Chris wasn't even technically working Jared's case anymore, so he had to deal with his regular workload on top of trying to figure out what had happened to Jared. It made Jensen feel helpless and guilty, knowing he couldn't help the way he could have if he had still been on the job.

He slid the mug across the table into Chris's waiting hand. Chris smiled and nodded his thanks, "I wish I had better news."

"But you have news?" Jared's voice was full of apprehension, like he was hoping that Chris would shake his head and say no.

Instead though, Chris nodded. He took a tentative sip from the mug, wincing at the heat and then sighed out, "I do, but just not much. I interviewed the staff at the bar, nothing too official but still." He sighed. "They were stonewalling me from the moment I walked in."

Jared nodded. "I thought they might." Jensen and Chris looked up at the same time, and Jared saw the question on both their faces so he went on. "It's kinda company policy. Whatever goes on in the bar is fair game but the Club...well, it's private. People do a lot of business there so I figure the guys that own it make the fact that it's exclusive the main selling point. Y'know...what happens in the club–"

"Stays in the club," Jensen finished. "Well, that's just peachy."

Chris nodded in agreement. "All I could get from them was that there was an altercation, between three members, a couple of days before..." He gestured with his hand. Before Jared was abducted. He didn't need to say it out loud.

Jared nodded, his lips pressed into a tight white line, and he mumbled, "Well, that's something, I guess."

Chris wiped at his eyes with the tips of his fingers. "I tried my best, but they wouldn't give up the names. And when I started to push, they started to change their stories; maybe they weren't members, maybe they weren't even guests and had gotten in by mistake, maybe it wasn't last month at all. It was bullshit but I figured I should quit while I was ahead."

Jensen leaned over and laid his hand on Chris's shoulder. "It's okay, man. We're just going to have to find another way around it."

All three of them sat in silence, the bright sunlight from the window blaring in at them, until Jared suddenly shifted in his seat and asked abruptly, "What about Jeff?"

"What?"
"What do you mean?" Jensen and Chris spoke at the same time.

Jared looked between their two faces, and settled on Jensen's. "Well, I don't know. Couldn't he go in undercover or something, and...I don't know, ask around? Maybe get to know the security guys? Look, this isn't really my area, I just figure they don't know him and he doesn't have to worry about....cop stuff..." His voice trailed off at the end and he looked down at his fingers as they worried the hem of his t-shirt.

Jensen smiled and reached over, grasping Jared's wrist and giving it a reassuring shake. “That is actually a great idea." Jared glanced up through his bangs and smiled. They held each other's gaze for a second before Chris repeated, more loudly and a lot more pissed off, "What!"

Jensen drew his hand back and swallowed. This wasn't going to be pretty. He shifted around in his chair to face Chris, who looked like he was about to shoot steam out of his ears in a cartoon fashion. Jensen cleared his throat. "I called Jeff."

Chris muttered a string of obscenities and leant back from the table, dramatically folding his arms across his chest. Jensen ignored him and went on, "After we talked about IAB, I just figured he had an in like we were never going to get. He could talk to them off the record...and they'd talk to him, Chris! It makes sense. If we're going to get anywhere with this..."

"Jesus Christ, Jen..." Chris glared at his friend. "I know! Don't you think it didn't go through my mind too! But that fucking cu..." Chris slammed a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. He took a second to settle himself before going on, "You were dying, Jen. You were shot and lying there in that hospital bed and you were dying, and not once did he come see you...or even call to see how you were doing. Not once!"

Jensen hung his head, and nodded. He'd heard this speech before, several times in fact. Before the accident, Jeff and Chris barely tolerated each other. Jeff was jealous of the closeness that Jensen and Chris shared; they were friends but Jeff couldn't let go of the thought that Chris maybe had feelings that he couldn't admit to. Which Jensen thought was hilarious. Chris was family as far as he was concerned. But then Chris couldn't get his head around the way that Jeff and Jensen were together. They were friends and lovers but neither one wanted the burden of a relationship and they were both happy for that boundary. But Chris couldn't get past the idea that Jeff was using Jensen, couldn't see anything but an older guy, a more senior, albeit retired detective, taking advantage of his friend. Luckily they didn't have to spend much time together, but it didn't stop them from bitching to Jensen about each other.

Then after the accident, Chris snapped into overprotective big brother mode, and Jeff...well, Jeff had his own issues.

"You know why that was, Chris," Jensen sighed out. "After Carl...he couldn't go through it again."

He looked up, pleading, into Chris's enraged face, both men determined. The impasse was broken when Jared asked quietly, "Who's Carl?"

Chris swallowed and pushed his chair back away from the table, then stomped away petulantly, muttering, "Gotta take a piss."

Jensen turned to Jared and smiled gently, trying to assuage the worried look on his face. "Carl was Jeff's partner, on the force. They worked together a long time. There was a raid, it all went...bad. Very bad. Carl got shot. He pretty much died in Jeff's arms. Jeff just fell apart afterwards. He took early retirement without ever stepping back in the precinct."

Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his chair, while Jared nodded and kept toying with the edge of his shirt.

"After...after I got out of the hospital, he did come and see me. He wanted to..." Jensen raked his fingers through his hair, trying not to stumble over his words. "He wanted more. Wanted...I don't know...us to be a couple. But I didn't want it, I never wanted it with him, and I don't think he really did either. I know Chris doesn't get it, I just...I wanted you to know. Jeff's not a bad guy."

Jensen turned away, squeezing his eyes tight, trying to will away the memory of the devastation on Jeff's face when he had said 'no'. Jeff never loved him; he just wanted to atone. For not saving Carl, for not being there for Jensen. Maybe for not loving Jensen the way he thought he should. It had been a mess. But they were past it now. Now the only issue was whether Jared would believe him that it was all over between them.

Jensen flinched when he heard Jared's intake of breath. He turned his head and looked into Jared's wet eyes. "You were really dying?"

The bathroom door slammed shut, and Chris stomped back into the room, calling out, "So, I guess you should call the bastard so we can get this over with."

Jeff was all smiles when he walked in the door–until he saw Chris scowling at him from the window seat. Jensen avoided the look he threw him by sticking his head in the refrigerator to grab some beers. He didn't miss the way Jeff seemed to wilt when Jared's greeting was less than enthusiastic. Jeff sidled into the kitchen beside Jensen and asked quietly, "Why do I get the feeling I've been invited to my own lynching?"

Jensen chuckled. He twisted the cap off the bottle in his hand and offered it to Jeff. "It's not you. It's...it's just been a rough morning. Plus, Chris is wiped out and you know what a ball of sunshine he is when he's tired."

Jeff smiled and pointed the neck of his bottle at Jensen. "You know, one of the reasons I love you is because you're a terrible liar, right? And you better damn well come to my rescue when Chris sends his flying monkeys after me!"

Jensen laughed, "Really? Wizard of Oz? Way to play the stereotype, man." He brushed past Jeff, still smiling.

Jared had settled himself on the couch and Jensen sat next to him, their thighs practically touching, without thinking about it. The way they smiled at each other when Jensen handed him one of the bottles in his hand, had Jeff smirking when he sat down opposite them.

Chris scowled at him as he walked by, grabbing the beer Jensen was holding up. "What are you grinning about?"

Jeff looked over as Chris slumped down into the armchair and grinned again. "Oh, y'know. Just glad the happy couple finally got it together."

Chris looked annoyed, then confused. He caught the blush on Jared's cheeks and the way he ducked his head, and finally glared at Jensen, who just cleared his throat, and started to fill Jeff in on the new developments.

Jeff nodded at each piece of new information, but when Jensen finished up, he just shrugged. "Okay."

There was silence for a moment until Jared piped up. "Okay? That's it?" He sounded disappointed.

Jeff smiled and shrugged again. "Okay. I'll do it." There was a pause when he looked over at Chris who had his hands and eyes firmly on his beer. "I meant what I said before, Chris can absolutely handle this case on his own, but this..." Chris's gaze met Jeff's so he looked away to Jensen and kept talking. "You need someone to go in and I can do that. I warn you though it's not going to be a quick fix." He drained the last of his beer and stood up. "Gaining people's trust takes time, even with my overwhelming charm and good looks." That got a snicker out of Chris, and Jeff seemed satisfied. He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair. "Let me head back to the office and move some things around and I'll head down there tonight. The sooner I get started the sooner we can get to the bottom of this."

He nodded goodbye to a reluctant Chris and an overwhelmed looking Jared, and headed out to the door with Jensen trailing after him.

When they reached the front door, Jensen clapped him on the shoulder. "Thanks, Jeff. I really owe you for this."

Jeff smiled sadly at him, then slid an arm around his waist and pulled him into a tight hug. He buried his face in Jensen’s neck and muttered, "No. No, I owe you." As they pulled apart, Jeff's lips ghosted over Jensen's cheek, and Jensen knew it was his way of saying goodbye. Jeff tugged on Jensen's shirtfront and cleared his throat. "Okay, you take care of that boy of yours and I will be in touch to keep you updated." His hand reached up and cupped Jensen's cheek briefly.

Jensen smiled sadly, too aware that this felt like an ending. "Thank you. I'll see you later, then." When the door finally closed, Jensen had to lean against it for a second before heading back into the room.

Chris and Jared were quietly talking, both leaning forward, voices low and serious. Jensen cleared his throat and they looked up. "Another beer?" he asked them.

Chris shook his head. "Nah, I should be making a move."

Jared reached for his crutches. "Me too. Except mine is going to be to the bathroom..."

"Are you okay? Do you need a hand?"

Jared laughed at the earnest look on Jensen's face. "No, I think I can manage. Might take me a while to maneuver, so I'll say goodbye." He nodded to Chris, who gave him a two-fingered salute, and then left as gracefully as a man on crutches with an awkward cast could be.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Chris leveled Jensen with an icy stare. "You stupid motherfucker." Jensen took a breath to defend himself but Chris was out of his chair in a flash. "I told you! Didn't I tell you? Nothing stupid! But no....you have to go beyond stupid and start..." His voice lowered to a whisper, and he gestured towards the bathroom, "Start fucking the guy!"

Jensen’s surprise at the verbal attack, shifted into offence. "Hey! It wasn't fucking like that, okay! This wasn't my idea! I would never have initiated anything, you know that!"

"Yeah, but I bet it didn't even cross your mind to turn him down, either, did it!"

"Fuck you, Chris! Whatever is between me and Jared is none of your fucking business!"

"None of my...?!" Chris closed the gap between them in three long strides. "Who do you think is going to be picking up the fucking pieces when it all goes to shit." Jensen started to shake his head, to deny that it would happen; to tell Chris he didn't know anything but Chris's index finger landed on his chest. "You think it won't? You think you can keep it from him? You think he won't find out about you watching him, following him? Don't think I don't know about your collection. I know damn well, if there was CCTV of him, you've got a stash of that somewhere."

Jensen flushed red with anger and humiliation. He blamed himself for mentioning the tape to Chris but resigned himself too, to the knowledge that Chris knew him better than anyone, he would have figured it out eventually. Still, his hands were balled into fists and although they were hanging by his sides, it was mostly because he hadn't decided whether he was going to use them or not.

Chris sighed. "He's going to find out, Jen. He will find out. Not from me but from somewhere." And with that he turned away. Chris grabbed his coat and the keys he'd left on the table. As he headed towards the door, he stopped and turned, his voice calmer when he said, "You have to tell him, Jen. You have to. If he means anything to you, you have to come clean."

Then he left, leaving Jensen standing alone in the middle of the room, hands still fists, with one thought swimming around his head. He won't understand. How the hell can I make him understand?

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