alexisjane

Chapter Sixteen

The following morning, Jensen led on his back, feeling Jared's steady, wet breaths on his neck, his hand covering Jared's fist where it clung to his t-shirt. He felt exhausted. He had slept some, but when sleep had come, it was restless and filled with repetitive dreams that left him more worn out than if he had stayed awake. It felt like there was so much at stake, Jared's safety, his life, maybe the life of Adrianne and maybe even his own. But now, after his confrontation with Chris, all his attention seemed to be overwhelmed with how he was going to be able to tell Jared the truth about how he had ended up in his life. On some level it seemed so easy. Just say it. Rip off the Band-Aid. Do it quick and deal with the burn. Except he couldn't quite figure out how to even start that conversation; couldn't quite find the words to explain it to himself, let alone to Jared.

Jared suddenly stopped breathing, breaking Jensen's train of thought. Jared held it for a second then breathed out a deep sigh, his fingers relaxing their tight hold of Jensen for a moment. Jensen took the opportunity to slip fully out of his grasp and out of bed. He needed the space. Plus, if Jared woke up with him still there, he would no doubt realize that Jensen's head was filled with something other than Jared's little problem.

Jensen finally heard Jared stirring about 10am. He refilled his mug and poured out another, placing it on the table just in time with Jared clumping and swinging into the kitchen.

"You're up early," Jared yawned through the words, as he settled down into a chair.

Jensen shrugged. "Couldn't sleep. I didn't want to disturb you."

Jared pulled the coffee towards him, regarding, what Jensen hoped was his poker face. "You didn't. Is...is everything okay, Jen?"

For a second, Jensen's brain recognized the ‘in’ and really thought about taking it, before his sense of self-preservation clamped down on his good intentions, crushing them completely. He smiled and shook his head. "Yeah. Yeah, just tired."

Jared took a moment before he smiled back, seemingly buying Jensen's explanation, and filling Jensen up with the horror of fabricating even more lies.

By the afternoon, Jensen had managed to bury the intense sting of guilt under the intense boredom of trying to run background checks on all the staff at Tornados and the security firm employees that worked there. By 3pm, he was about ready to waterboard himself with bourbon, so he left the office to get more coffee, and check on his room mate.

Jared was lying out on the couch, his cast leg raised on a couple of cushions, his laptop humming in his lap. He was groaning and reaching out to touch the screen as Jensen walked in, stopping abruptly when he spotted Jensen.

Jensen laughed. "If you're watching porn on the couch, you damn well have to pay to get it cleaned, y'know."

Jared screwed up his face and indignantly barked out, "I'm not! I mean..." He sighed and smirked, gesturing for Jensen to come over. "Well, it's not that kind of porn, anyway."

Jensen moved behind Jared, placing a hand on his shoulder, as he bent to peer at the screen.

He tilted his head. "It's a...bike?"

Jared laughed and slapped at his arm. "Yes, but it's a really, really nice bike."

Jensen smiled and kissed the side of Jared's head before he moved away. "I hope it should be for that price."

"I take it you're not into bikes then."

Jensen shook his head. "Maybe the ones you don't have to pedal, but still...two wheels, a chain...what's to really be into?" He poured himself the dregs from the coffee pot, changed the filter and set the machine working again. He still had a ton of names to get through and it was going to take him all day to even make a dent in the list. He was lost in his thoughts long enough to feel a little disconcerted by Jared's silence when he finally managed to focus.

He stepped out of the kitchen, taking in the way that Jared's attention was abnormally focused on the screen, his jaw working as he chewed the inside of his mouth. "Jay?"

Jared looked up and sighed. "Hmm?"

Jensen raised his eyebrows. "Is everything okay? You look like I just dissed your grandmother."

The half smile that Jared gave him, started Jensen's heart beating quicker. Jared shrugged and said, "It's...nothing. It's nothing," as he put his attention back on his laptop.

"Don't do that." Jensen walked forward and perched on the arm of the couch. "Come on. Spill."

Jared regarded him for a moment, then closed the lid of his laptop. "It's nothing, I just..." He ran his fingers through his hair before looking directly at Jensen. "I don't know. I was just thinking about my bike and how I'm not going to be able to ride for god knows how long and then I thought..." He paused and swallowed. "How did you know it was my bike?" Jensen couldn't quite understand what Jared was asking and the confusion clearly showed on his face, so Jared reiterated, "You said you saw my bike outside and took it up to my apartment...but how did you know? That it was my bike?"

~•~

Jared was angrily stuffing clothes into his backpack, when there was a tentative knock on the bedroom door. Jared's head snapped up and he shouted, "What part of 'Fuck Off' do you not get, Jensen?!" His throat was sore from yelling but he was still angry enough that he didn't care. When the door started to open he leaned precariously over to the nightstand and grabbed the nearest book, flinging it hard towards the doorway. It missed Chris's head by inches but Jared instantly felt guilty.

Chris bent down and scooped up the fluttering volume. "Patterson...really? I would have thought I warranted an Elmore Leonard, at least."

Jared slumped a little, where he was sat on the edge of the bed. "Sorry. Sorry, Chris. I thought you were..." He gestured with his hand in the direction of the hall.

"Well, no chance of that, Sport. I sent him away so we can talk. Well, I cleaned up his face and then sent him out. Which come to think of it, let me see your hand." He reached out and Jared obliged by offering his hand for inspection. The knuckles were red, one of them split from the impact when he had punched Jensen in the mouth. Chris felt the bones and manipulated Jared's fingers.

"There's nothing to talk about," Jared said quietly, "I just want to go."

Chris pushed the backpack away and sat on the bed next to Jared, relinquishing the hold on his hand. "Go where? To your place? 'Cause you know damn well they're going to be watching that. You can't stay at Adrienne's because they're probably watching her place too. I'm working all the time so if they found you at my place, there would be no-one there to protect you..."

Jared stared at Chris with his mouth open. He knew all this, knew he wasn't safe but he could still barely comprehend what Chris was trying to say. "Jesus Christ, do you...you want me to stay here!? After what he said? After what he's done!"

Chris stared at him and then looked away, scrubbing the flat of his hand across his eyes. "Ah shit."

The way that Chris turned away, the fact that he didn't ask what any normal person would have asked, suddenly turned Jared's blood icy. "Oh my God. Oh my God, you knew! Are you...is this some kind of sick club you guys are in? Jesus Christ–"

"Christ, no!" Chris looked genuinely horrified.

"But you knew? You knew about the stalking and the creepy watching and the tapes. Holy shit, did you know about the tapes!?"

Chris shifted uncomfortably. "No, I didn't know about the tapes...I thought...I hoped at least–"

Jared glared at him and almost choked on fresh tears when he said, "Y’know, if I wasn't so afraid of breaking my hand, I'd punch you in the fucking face now too."

Chris glanced up sheepishly. "Does it hurt that bad?" Jared nodded, and looked down into his lap, wiping away a couple of traitorous tears that escaped down his cheeks. Chris squeezed his shoulder and left the room without saying a word.

He was back a couple of minutes later with ice for Jared's knuckles, painkillers for the ache and two beers for everything else. He slowly lowered himself to sit back next to Jared, and turned the beer in his hands.

"Look, I know you're upset and I am absolutely on your side as far as that goes. I didn't know exactly what was going on but I told him to be straight with you and he wasn't, so yeah, if you hadn't smacked him in the mouth I would have done it for you.

"But....I do think you should know a few things before you press charges or start vilifying Jensen on Twitter or whatever you have in mind."

Jared huffed out a laugh. He didn't mean to. He was still furious with Jensen, still felt violated, but pressing charges hadn't even entered his mind. Going Anonymous on his ass had, but he knew he'd never follow through.

"Okay," he nodded at Chris and pulled himself around to lean against the headboard. "Enlighten me."

Chris sighed and settled himself into a more comfortable position, twisting to face Jared and bringing one knee up onto the bed, saying breathy and low, "God, where to start."

Jared rolled his eyes, figuring that Chris was stalling until he said, "Well, I guess the beginning. So, Jensen's sister was murdered when he was just a little kid."

Jared's mouth fell open and he felt the blood drain from his skin. Chris nodded and pressed his lips together. "Yeah, I figured he hadn't said anything yet. He doesn't really talk about it...ever, so don't go thinking it's because..."

"No, no, I didn't think that."

Chris nodded and went on. "He was about seven, she was a couple of years older. They were at a playground across the street from their house. Nice neighborhood. Good people. Jensen was preoccupied playing with plastic dinosaurs in the sandbox or some shit. When he looked up she was gone. He figured she'd gone home without him. They found her body a few hours later on the other side of the park. By all accounts there wasn't much left; idiot thought ripping her to shreds would be enough of a forensic countermeasure to cover up what he'd done.”

Jared's hand had somehow found its way up to cover Jared's mouth. He pulled it away, knuckles curling against his cheek, as he asked, "Did they catch him?"

Chris took a drink from his bottle, and nodded. "Yeah. Turned out to be a neighbor. Just a regular Joe, nine-to-fiver, married. Used to let the kids in the street use his pool in the summer, organized the pot luck for the church. Your usual neighborhood creeper."

"Jesus."

"Exactly." Chris smiled weakly at Jared but Jared couldn't quite make his face work to return it. "Anyway, he's not sure who said it first, might have been his parents, or maybe one of the cops that descended on the place, but anyway, someone implied that if he had been watching her, then she would still be alive."

Jared leant forward. "You are joking?" Chris shook his head and Jared's voice rose higher than he would have liked. "Seriously?! He was a little kid–"

Chris shrugged. "I know that! But anyway, long story short, his parents seemed to reinforce it, telling him to watch out for himself and his friends, they wouldn't let him out of arms reach but would let him watch his friends playing or whatever, from a distance."

Chris turned the bottle in his hands and stared down at it. "He's fucked up, Jared. He can't get close to people, doesn't know how. The fact that he has even attempted to get close to you is a fucking miracle. I mean...he's my best friend, but sometimes I feel like he'd be much happier if he could only see me through a pane of glass."

Jared tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He'd known that Jensen was damaged. He was a magnet for the screwed up and broken. Takes one to know one. But he was not expecting this.

He shook his head and looked back to Chris. "Yeah, but he talks to you at least. He told you about all this stuff..." His voice trailed off when Chris's eyes met his then looked away, sheepish and guilty. Jared furrowed his eyebrows. "Are you saying he didn't tell you? I don't..."

Chris sighed and sat up. "No, he did. Sort of." He shifted uncomfortably and shook his head resigned to continue. "We met in the academy, first day. He was surly and focused, kinda hard to love but we got along and became friends. Then...oh God..."

Chris wiped the flat of his hand over his mouth. Jared looked at him questioningly, started to feel his chest fill with dread at what was coming. Chris sighed. "There was this guy. He worked in the canteen. Jensen...well, I noticed Jensen watching him and didn't really think anything of it. I figured if Jen liked him it was none of my business. It's not exactly, 'Don't ask, don't tell' but no-one would have really been bothered. Except the guy complained. Made out that Jensen was stalking him. Said he'd spotted Jensen following him on his days off. Jensen came really close to being kicked out of the program. He swore that he wasn't stalking him but I knew something was up. I made him promise to go see someone about it. Anyway, he spent a couple of months going to see a psychologist or therapist or whatever, and he got them to write a report. For me. So I would understand exactly what was going on in his head, so I would know he wasn't dangerous."

Jared huffed out a breath. "That's...I mean, why? Why not just talk to you himself?"

Chris cleared his throat. "When they came asking questions about Jensen, I said he was with me when the guy said he'd seen Jensen following him."

"But he wasn't." Jared's voice was almost a whisper. Chris shook his head. "He wasn't with you but you covered for him." Chris nodded. "So, seeing the head shrinker, showing you his records was..."

"Was an act of trust, payment, if you want, for believing in him."

"So what did it say." Jared swallowed, feeling guilty for asking for something so personal but still mad enough at Jensen to feel entitled.

Chris shrugged. "All the stuff about his sister, how he felt more comfortable relating from a distance, how he learnt to stay away from people, how he finally managed to break away from his family, how he would feel compelled to watch strangers." He looked up guiltily at Jared.

Jared looked away, feeling his face and neck get hot. "I can't believe you thought it was a good idea leaving me here."

"Hey, no..." Chris bent forward and placed his empty bottle on the floor so he could use his hands to talk. "No, you don't understand. Yes, Jensen was...was watching you but it wasn't you. He didn't want to get to know you, didn't want to have anything to do with your life, he just..." Chris paused. "Christ, I don't know how to explain it. He was mad as hell when I asked him to let you stay here."

Jared nodded. "I remember."

Chris shook his head. "No, I mean he was really mad. Because he had a good thing going when he didn't know you. He thought you were…appealing… but that was it. Having to talk to you, spend time with you...it ruined that for him. There was no going back, no reclaiming the distance. Whatever you were to him was gone and he had to deal with a living breathing person. I think you scared the shit out of him. Falling for you was the last thing he expected."

Chris smiled, and Jared huffed out a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. "I really don't think –"

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there." Chris interrupted. "Whatever you think, however hurt or violated you feel, whatever Jensen felt for you before he saw you in that hospital bed...now, now he loves you. I know it. And I know him. If you don't feel the same, that's okay, but don't doubt how he feels about you. You wanna leave, I get that, but I mean it when I say there is nowhere safer for you to be than here. He loves you Jared, and he'll do anything to keep you safe."

Jared sat motionless. His mouth opened to speak but nothing would come out. He wanted to yell, to say it was all lies, that Jensen was a pervert that had taken advantage of him but he knew it wasn't true. He was mad at Jensen, he wanted to stay mad at Jensen but his heart ached at the thought of being apart from him too.

Jared was still struggling to come up with a response when they heard the front door bang open and heavy footsteps running across the apartment towards them. Chris leapt to his feet, with one hand on his gun, clearly expecting the bedroom door to fling open at any moment. Instead, they heard the study door opening and Jensen breathing heavily.

Jared grabbed his crutches and started to lift himself off the bed as Chris walked out into the hallway. "Jensen, what the hell...?"

"I saw...something..." Jensen was sat at his desk, staring at the computer screen, one hand on the mouse, the other braced against his thigh. He was practically purple, sweating, his breathing labored and wheezing.

Chris rushed over and tried to spin the chair around to take a look at him. "Jesus Christ, have you been running? You know that's not safe, Jen!"

Jensen pushed him off and kept scrolling through the files on the screen, wheezing out, "No...I saw...it, and...I knew I'd...seen it before...It took me a minute but...there!"

Jared heaved himself a step closer and looked at the screen. There were two frames in view, both recognizable as the grainy CCTV that Jensen had confessed to hoarding hours before, both frames had Jared locking up his bike, two different set of clothes, two different nights, but in both frames the same black van pulled into shot with Jared and slowly moved away, following him as he left.

Chris uttered a whispered, "Fuck me," as Jensen's eyes rolled back in his head and he fell heavily to the ground.

Masterpost / Chapter Seventeen >>>>>