I Stumble Forward - Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Jensen was feeling quite pleased with himself as he jostled his way back from the crowded bar with their drinks.

The night was turning out to be pretty good.

He had half-heartedly attempted to persuade Genevieve into accepting his offer of a lift that afternoon, mostly as it amused him to see which excuse she would come up with, but she’d still said no. So they had arranged the when and where to meet and after a little trouble parking, he’d only been a couple of minutes late. Time-keeping had never been his strong suit but Genevieve didn’t seem to mind too much and made a joke about seeing a pattern emerging.

Jensen had laughed and managed to push away the thought that the usual pattern was his slight tardiness starting out as no-big-deal, but fairly rapidly developing into a constant irritation marked by snarky remarks and passive aggressive comments and his promises to try harder failing and ultimately becoming a catalyst for the mother of all arguments, contributing to the eventual death of the relationship.

But they weren’t there yet so he wasn’t going to think about it.

When he had turned the corner and seen her waiting on the sidewalk wearing her dark red coat and clutching her bag in both hands in front of her, pulling the strap tight on her shoulder, it struck him that she was beautiful. With her long dark hair falling around her face and deep brown eyes looking up at him as he approached, it seemed so easy to gather her to him and feel the warm glow when she tilted her head back for a kiss. It already felt comfortable and right between them, even if they were only friends for now. Maybe that was why it was working.

Jensen felt a sudden swirling ball of tension rise up to his throat, when he realized tonight was the night he would have to tell her about his potential job offer in Austin It’ll be awesome! Four months and I’ll be gone! But it’s only a 700 mile round trip. That’s not a problem is it? He pushed the feeling deep down in his belly and hoped that it would at least stay there until he actually got around to telling her.

The venue wasn't much more than the glorified back room of a bar but it was always popular and managed to attract not just local bands but some of the better out of town ones too. The walls and floor were painted black and the raised stage area a deep dirty red. And there was a bench seat running around the walls that didn't occupy the tiny bar that only stocked a couple of the most popular varieties of beer and water for the people who couldn’t be bothered to take the short walk out into the main establishment. By the time Jensen and Genevieve made it in there, the seats were all taken so they claimed a piece of floor space as their own and settled in to enjoy the show.

The opening act had actually been more than passable for a change and it seemed for a moment like most of the people were there to see them, judging by the line for the coat check on the way out but one glance at the main bar negated that. It was packed. Jensen managing to get there before the rush wasn't so much luck, it was more that he’d been there often enough to know when to keep ahead of the crowd. Leaving thirty seconds before the end of the final song, seemed to do the trick.


So, swimming away through bodies five deep and counting, all sweat and anticipation, holding a bottle of coke and a vodka and tonic aloft, triumphant with his spoils, Jensen was feeling pretty good and was looking forward to a whole evening of pretty good laid out in front of him.

Except now he couldn’t see Genevieve anywhere. Admittedly, it wasn’t the first time he’d lost her in a crowd, not that he’d ever tell her that. She didn’t seem to be self-conscious about her height but after the glare he’d received on their first date after calling her ‘pocket sized’, he wasn’t going to bring it up again.

She wasn’t near the designated rendezvous point near the pillar. She wasn’t anywhere vaguely near the place where they’d been standing. She wasn’t in the line for the bathroom. In a last ditch attempt to not look like some poor guy whose date had ditched him, wandering aimlessly around holding two plastic glasses of melting ice, he popped his head out the main door to the street, just in time to see her hang up her phone. She glared at it and sighed before turning back to the door.

Jensen walked out to meet her, offering out her drink. “Everything okay?”

She took the plastic cup. The way her shoulders slumped was all the reply he needed but she said, “I have to go.”

“The band wasn’t that bad, was it?" He tried a smile and immediately regretted it.

She downed the drink and handed him back the empty glass before rooting around in her bag. “I’m so sorry, Jensen. It’s just…family. God. I think I can get a cab down on the corner…”

“Cab? No way. I’ll drive you.”

Jensen thought it was the obvious thing to do but Genevieve looked at him like he’d offered to gut her and she blurted out, “No! I mean...no, it’s fine. It’s too out of your way. I’ll be fine.”

“Gen. Seriously. Let me drive you.”

“No really, I’m fine.”

~•~

Jensen was sure he’d had more awkward car rides before but for the life of him he couldn’t name one right then.

Outside of putting her in a headlock, it had taken everything he had to persuade Genevieve that he could and should drive her wherever she wanted to go. She had bluffed and blustered and been straight out rude but he could see she was upset about more than his offer of help and kept going until she relented. Finally, he took her by the arm and pretty much frog marched her down the street, to where he had parked the car.

In the course of the journey he had ascertained that the family member in question was not a secret husband or lover, but not much more than that. He didn’t even have a clue exactly where they were going. She insisted on sitting in silence and only giving information as vague gestures as she said ‘Next left’ or ‘Two blocks and then right’, interspersed with her still protesting, ‘You don’t have to do this’ and ‘I would have been fine y’know.’

Otherwise, she just looked at her hands as they twisted the strap of her bag in her lap, and seemed to be bracing herself for something.

Jensen wanted to ask, to comfort her, to know what the hell was going on but he knew it wouldn’t help, wouldn’t sooth her in any way to be grilled about something that she obviously didn’t want to talk about. The not knowing was killing him though.

The journey wasn’t that long and Jensen felt clueless, mindlessly driving, turning the wheel on command. Until, with a sinking feeling, he realized that the route was looking horribly familiar. He tried to shake it off and figured as long as they didn’t take the next right it would be fine. Just his imagination.

“Turn right here.” Genevieve said, wafting her hand toward the window. Jensen sighed and flipped on the indicator.

Genevieve gestured at a bus stop a little further down the street as they rounded the corner, saying, “You can drop me there.”

But Jensen kept going. Genevieve kept her eyes on the bus shelter as they flew past, one hand on the seatbelt release, the other clutching the belt at her chest and then turned open mouthed to Jensen, who took a deep breath and forced a smile. Only half of it made it all the way to his lips and he kept his eyes on the road ahead, as he said, “Might as well take you to the door. Save you the walk.”

They pulled into the deserted parking lot and Jensen switched off the engine. The silence was sudden and excruciating. They both sat motionless, watching the lights in the building opposite, until Genevieve said quietly, “How…how did you know?”

Jensen shifted in his seat and thought for a moment and then huffed out a small laugh and shook his head, saying equally as soft, “Well, let’s just say that you’re not the only one with an embarrassing family member.”

It wasn’t a lie. Not really. But he figured she had enough to deal with right now, whatever it was.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and looking at her for the first time since they had got in the car, said, “Do you need bail money?”

Genevieve winced and could do nothing but stare at him, her face paled, accentuating the dark circles around her eyes. She pursed her lips together and shook her head.

“Good,” said Jensen. “We’d better get in there then.” The other half of the smile briefly arrived on his lips, and before she could tell him not to, he opened his door and jumped out.

~•~

Jensen held the heavy glass door open for her as she went in and had half a mind to close it behind her, turn around and run back to the car.

But he toughed it out and found himself uncomfortably perched on a barely padded metal chair, breathing in the old, unwelcome aroma of furniture polish and sweat. Watching the boys and girls in blue, bustling around, shuffling paperwork and making phone calls, made the room look like a regular office. A quiet, all-night, heavily-armed office. He knew the real work was going on in the back. All the puking and crying, threats and handcuffs, blood and guilt.

When they walked in, Genevieve hadn’t even had to approach the desk. She got half-way there when the cop behind the desk spotted her and raised one hand in greeting while the other reached for the phone. She smiled in response, saying nothing until they had been waiting for at least two minutes in the seating area.

“He’s not embarrassing.”

Jensen shifted around in his seat to look at her, not fully comprehending what she was saying. She turned to look at him, looking so much stronger than when they had pulled up across the street, “He’s not embarrassing, he’s…he needs…something. We just haven’t figured out what yet.”

Jensen opened his mouth to apologize but she was looking away over his shoulder. An older cop was approaching, his gruff face breaking out into a sad smile as Genevieve went over to him. He put his arm around her and squeezed her tight as she said, “I’m so sorry Jim. Thank you for calling and for…well, y’know.”

He adjusted his belt and kissed her on the hair, saying “Well, I’m just glad he was comatose when they found him. Chad on the other hand…”

Genevieve rolled her eyes and practically spat out, “I should’ve fucking known! Fucking Chad...!”

Jim continued, pretending not to hear her, “Yes, well, Mr Murray was caught red-handed this time so we shall have the pleasure of his company for a little while. Until his father gets here to bail him out, of course, but he didn't sound like he was in any kind of a hurry to come get him this time.”

Genevieve continued to curse under her breath, as the cop turned his attention to Jensen. “And you are?”

Jensen knew that Jim was being perfectly nice, perfectly friendly, but he couldn’t shake the feeling like the guy had just drawn his gun on him. So he just took a breath and held out a hand. “Jensen, sir, a friend of Gen’s.”

He half expected Jim to start interrogating him, the way he was looking at him with a question in his eyes, but instead Jim took his hand and shook it firmly and all he said was, “Well, it’s good you’re here, son. She can use all the help she can get. Little brothers can be something but he’s a handful. Good kid, but a handful.”

As if on cue, the doors behind the desk clanged open and they all looked over. And there he was, a huge crumpled mess, slightly swaying, reliant on the cop leading him by the arm for direction and stability, shaggy dark hair falling onto his face. Not just big, the guy was huge. Ginormous. He was…

“Gigantor.” Jensen muttered it under his breath but it was loud enough for Genevieve to throw him a glance. Jensen couldn’t help but quietly say, “So you work with your brother, huh?”

She flushed red and turned to walk to the desk. Paperwork, he guessed. Whatever the informal arrangement they had going on, there would always be paperwork.

He turned and slumped back down in the chair, still feeling pissed off that Genevieve had lied to him but also unable to take his eyes off the huge guy standing in front of him.

A handful Jim had said. He was hoping he didn’t mean in the fighting sense as he wasn't sure that he was really up to wrestling the guy into the car. But he seemed placid enough, still swaying, saying what looked like I’m sorry over and over. Genevieve brushed his hand off her shoulder every time he tried to reach out to touch her, which made Jensen feel even more pissed off with her.

When they were done, Jensen headed straight to the door and held it open as Genevieve guided her enormous staggering brother towards it. She managed to get him outside but he couldn’t seem to comprehend anything that wasn’t directly ahead of him, so when she tried to turn him towards the parking lot across the street, he started to topple.

Jensen wanted to yell, ‘Timber!’ just to see what would happen but instead ran forward and took hold of his other arm. Jensen slid his hand under the lurching man’s armpit and took firm hold of his forearm. Gigantor looked wildly around and then down, totally perplexed by Jensen’s presence.

“Hey! Who are you?” It was all whiskey and tequila breath in Jensen’s face.

He could feel his eyes start to water but just replied, “Hey, I’m Jensen. I’m a friend of your sister.”

The Big Friendly Giant smiled, leaned into him, and whispered, “Well, hello, Jensen friendofmysister… I’m Jared. It’s very nice to meet you. Yes, very nice.”

Jared tried to straighten himself, but couldn't quite pull it off. He ended up mostly leaning on Jensen the remainder of the way back to the car, making Jensen very aware of the feeling of his fingers wrapped around Jared’s bicep and the warm sensation of Jared’s body moving against his as they shuffled their way closer to the car.

It was actually pretty easy getting Jared into the back seat and he was virtually snoring as Jensen lifted his last foot in and slammed the door before it could spring out again, like an overstuffing a suitcase. He leant back against the car and turned to Genevieve, both of them slightly panting, flushed and drained. He rubbed the back of his fingers hard against his jaw and said, “I think we need to talk.”

She nodded. “I think you’re right.”

Chapter Three --- Masterpost --- Chapter Five

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Five

Chapter Five

It turned out that getting Jared out of the car was a lot harder than getting him in.

He had snored quietly on the back seat, as they drove back, arms folded across his chest, legs awkwardly pulled in, trainers squeaking against the interior of the back door as the movement of the car had jiggled him gently. Jensen had watched him in the rearview mirror, noticing how his slightly greasy hair stuck to his damp forehead, how his mouth was soft and relaxed, lips moving occasionally as if he were speaking. Jensen couldn’t help wondering exactly how much alcohol someone that size had to drink to get in such a state and, having a pretty good idea, praying that none of it was going to exit the guy from any orifice, at least not while he was still in the back of Jensen’s car.

When they finally pulled up to Genevieve’s place, Jensen was a little surprised that it actually wasn’t too far from his Mom’s house. It was a small two-story, with a compact front yard of dried out lawn that showed signs of perfunctory care and some rambling heavy looking bushes. He wasn't entirely sure what he had been expecting but it honestly wasn't that.

At first, Genevieve had tried to rouse Jared but he wasn’t having any of it. He moaned and pushed her away, baring down into the upholstery. Then she tried dragging him out but he had started to kick with his feet like a three year old, which was pretty frightening given the length of his legs, so they abandoned that idea. In the end they decided Genevieve should push from the less hazardous position behind Jared’s head, while Jensen manned the kicking end, and pulled.

Initially, Jared was dead weight. Genevieve tried to push him upright while Jensen tugged on his sleeves but Jared wasn’t budging. Jensen knew if they could just get him to sit up it would be much easier, so he somehow scrambled onto the backseat, straddled Jared and leant in right over him. It wasn't easy, but he managed to get one foot in the foot well and then crammed the other knee between Jared's thigh and the back of the seat. He could feel his skin flush pink and told himself that it was the exertion and nothing more. Jensen cupped a hand around Jared’s neck, sliding his fingers into the short hairs at his nape, bunched the other in the shoulder of his hoodie, and pulled gently.

Jared’s eyes flickered open and looked right into his and Jensen could see the sadness and sickness and absolute exhaustion of body and mind. It was an all too familiar pain and he couldn’t help but put his mouth close to Jared's ear and whisper, “It’s okay. I got you. Let’s get inside, okay?”

And Jared smiled, so slightly and sadly, Jensen almost missed it, but he felt Jared slide a big hand up his back to grasp his shoulder and let Jensen slowly lift him and guide him out of the car and onto his feet.

Jared kept his weight on Jensen on the short walk to the front door that Genevieve had rushed ahead to open, kept his hand bunched in Jensen’s jacket at his shoulder and Jensen could see Jared’s eyes flicking over to him as they shuffled along.

When Jared stumbled on one of the steps, Jensen instinctively put the flat of his hand against Jared’s chest to steady him. Feeling the solid muscle under the fabric and the heat coming off of him, Jensen was very grateful that Jared seemed to be a sleepy drunk rather than one who lashed out, all fists and biting.

He figured it might be best to leave his hand where it was as long as possible, in case Jared lost his balance again because if the guy fell on him, they’d have to call the fire department to get him up. But when Jared reached up and touched the fingers on his chest, Jensen took it to mean the precaution was unwelcome and let go. Jared's fingers lingered there a moment before he dropped his hand again.

Genevieve got the door open, flicked on some lights and was angrily stripping off her jacket as they stumbled inside. She looked furious but as Jensen maneuvered Jared over the threshold, she reached out to take hold of her brother. Jared grumbled and swept her hands off his arm like he was swatting away an insect. It was much the same motion as Genevieve had done to him at the police precinct and her face fell and looked as hurt as Jared’s had done then.

“It’s okay, Gen. I might as well carry him. Where do you want him?” Jensen said, trying to sound like it was no big deal.

Like this was all no big deal.

Like he collected his girlfriends’ intoxicated brothers from the drunk tank and carried them home every night of the week.

Like the reason he was sweating was because Jared weighed a ton and not from the feel of Jared’s skin so close to his.

Not a big deal at all.

Jared mumbled something that might have been a series of cuss words but they both ignored him and Genevieve said, “Top of the stairs. First door on the left. You sure you’re okay?"

Jensen smiled. “Yup. It’s all good. Although I’m dying for a coffee…”

Genevieve forced a smile and walked away from the foot of the stairs towards the kitchen. Jensen watched her go and then said, “Come on, Buddy. Let’s get you to bed.”

Jared smirked and huffed out a laugh but he got his legs moving and in no time they were at the top of the stairs, turning into what Jensen hoped was Jared’s darkened room.

He deposited Jared on the bed visible only by the light from the hallway and then searched for the light switch. When he found it and turned it on, he was a little surprised by what he saw.

He had expected a pigsty but it was more like organized chaos. Sure, there were piles of clutter everywhere, mostly books and papers and a rogue shirt or two but it was actually pretty tidy. In fact, the most untidy thing in the room was Jared. He was trying, unsuccessfully, to take off his hoodie but had somehow got one arm trapped inside. It was amazing to Jensen that a grown man could look so pitiful.

Against his better judgment, he went across and started to help Jared undress. Jensen yanked on one sleeve and when Jared’s face popped out of the hoodie, looking nothing but grateful, Jensen felt a warm smile spread over his face. As Jared started to struggle out of his t-shirt, Jensen helped even though Jared seemed to be managing. Jensen’s fingers inadvertently grazed over Jared's bare skin, and the resulting sharp intake of breath from Jared set something alight in the pit of Jensen’s stomach. Jared’s head popped out, hair flopping randomly, smile dimpling his cheeks and Jensen felt the warmth glow a little brighter.

When he had seen Jared at the bar the night he met Genevieve, he had been able to objectively observe and admit to himself that Jared was pretty good looking but now…now the realization that he was in fact beautiful was making him feel a little weirded out.

Looking at him sat on the edge of his bed, slightly swaying, all brown skin and hard nipples and surprisingly ripped muscle, Jensen suddenly felt...well, he didn't want to think about it. Jared started to lean down to take of his shoes, but Jensen pushed him back before he ended up face planting on the floor. He knelt at Jared’s feet and pulled off his shoes and socks, feeling Jared breath on the top of his head and willed himself not to look up. Jensen was so thankful that Jared didn’t even attempt to take off his pants before deciding to lay back on the bed.

Jensen was going to leave but spotted a half empty bottle of water on the desk by the window, headed down the hall and refilled it in the bathroom. He thought Jared was asleep as he placed the bottle on the bedside table. Jensen pulled the edge of the sheet up and gently laid it over Jared’s torso but as he turned to leave, Jared’s big hand shot out and grasped firmly around his wrist.

The heat in it made Jensen gasp. Jared looked up at him, eyes soft and watery, his mouth moving like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. Jensen sat carefully on the bed next to him, peeled the fingers off his skin and then held Jared’s big hand between his two.

Jared looked like he might cry and when he spoke his voice was cracked and broken with tears. “I’m sorry. Don’t hate me…I’m so sorry.”

The tone of his words hit Jensen in the chest like a fist but he smiled softly, squeezed Jared’s hand and laid it on his bare chest, pulling the sheet up to cover it and whispered, “I don’t and I know you are. I’m sorry too…” But Jared’s breath was already a snore, or at least verging on one and the apology never reached him.

~•~

When Jensen hit the bottom step on the stairs he rubbed both hands over his face and sighed. It wasn’t a mess. Not yet.

His head felt clouded and the last thing he wanted to do was have a nice long heart to heart but he damn well needed to know what the hell was going on. So he let his shoulders drop and relax and headed back through the lounge, the way he had seen Genevieve go, towards light and the smell of coffee.

She was sitting at the table in the corner of the modest yellow and white kitchen, hands wrapped around a steaming mug, her eyes red and wet. Jensen walked over, put an arm around her shoulders and pressed his lips to her hair before sitting down in the chair next to her. He sloughed off the jacket he was still wearing and reached out for the other mug set on the table, saying simply, “So…”

Genevieve looked him in the eye, all fear and insecurity, opened and shut her mouth like a goldfish, like there was so much to say the words had gridlocked in her throat. Then she sighed and turned her gaze back to her mug.

Jensen took a sip of coffee and shook his head, saying, “You’re right, it’s a lot. Maybe start smaller? Is this your place or your parents?”

Genevieve swallowed, “Mine. Ours…Jay and I own it together. We had some money…after our Mom died.”

“And your Dad?”

“Gone. He split not long after Jay was born. And before you say it, no, we don’t want to look for him. He’s the reason our Mom started drinking and started this whole mess.”

“I’m sorry. I know that stuff’s tough.”

Jensen meant the drinking but he got the absent father routine.

It had been less routine for him in one way. He had some vague memories of his father, being lifted high in the air by huge hands, that broad dimpled grin and rough salt-and-pepper beard that he would grab hold of and his Dad would growl like a dog, making him peal with laughter. But there was always a nagging doubt, that he couldn’t be sure that he hadn't fabricated the memories in his own mind, somehow concocting them after staring too long at old pictures and asking a million questions and hearing the stories over and over.

He did remember his mother grieving though. That was clear. A real thing that made him sad and confused and even now, simultaneously want to hold her and pull away at the same time, wanting to comfort her but fearful of being overwhelmed by her loss. Somehow having a dead father made other people look at him differently than the kids whose Dads had walked away, even though it didn’t make the absence any different.

Genevieve shook her head and sighed hard, before she went on. “Mom couldn’t handle it when he left. I was five…Jay was only about six months old. I don’t remember much except that it was brutal. It was like one day they started yelling and just didn’t stop. And then he was gone and it was so quiet. She managed for a while but gradually started drinking more and more.

“Then when I was twelve, she drove to the store and didn't come back. Pulled out on a red light and got hit by a soccer mom late for her yoga class.

“They kept telling me it was a freak accident, that the airbag failed and that she died instantly, like somehow that made it better or if they said it enough times, I wouldn’t cry as much.”

Jensen reached out and took her hand. He wanted to say ‘sorry’ or something to ease her pain but he knew damn well there was nothing, so he said, “I can’t imagine losing someone I love like that.”

“I do love her,” Genevieve said, but she frowned and went on, “but I also hate her. Hate her for leaving us, for letting that bastard do that to her. For wanting to drink her life away rather than spend it with us. I do. Sometimes I fucking hate her.”

She pulled her hand away from Jensen and rubbed her temple. “Afterwards, we went to live with my aunt, her sister. She was a good person. She was. But she was so hard on Jared.

“She never really showed him any affection, didn’t neglect him or anything, she was just...distant. But when she got angry with him she would tell him it was all his fault. That our Dad left, that Mom was dead.”

She turned and looked Jensen in the eyes, her own brimming with tears and long hurt. “Can you imagine? Seven years old and being told over and over, the reason your parents were gone, dead, was down to you? What that does to a person…”

She hung her head down, her hair falling forward hiding her face but Jensen could see wet spots appear on the table in front of her. He reached up and rubbed his hand on her shoulders, her neck, not knowing what else to do, knowing there was nothing he could say.

After a moment she sat up and wiped at her cheeks with her hand, her voice steadier. “But this…” She gestured upwards in the vague direction of Jared’s room. “…this! He was a good kid. Quiet. Maybe a bit too clever for his own good. He wasn’t exactly popular but he had a few friends and was doing okay.”

She seemed to stall, so after a moment Jensen asked quietly, “So what happened?”

Genevieve let out a harsh laugh and sat back in the chair. “Fucking Chad happened!” She pursed her lips and shook her head and more softly said, “No, that’s not fair. But Chad certainly didn’t help. I think when they started hanging out, they were both in a bad place. I was away on placement for a year…he sounded fine on the phone. Maybe if I had been here…”

Jensen gripped her shoulder tight and shook it slightly. “Hey! Don’t do that. This is not on you, okay? Nobody is making him do anything. Not you. Not Chad…”

Genevieve covered his hand with her own and squeezed, smiling slightly and said, “I know. And he isn’t always like this. He would go crazy for a couple of weeks but then he would sort himself out, get back on track, do well in school or hold down a job…But this last year the crazy bits have been stretching out and sometimes it seems like he’s drunk all the time and I try and get through to him and talk to him…” She took a breath, held it and then blurted out, “…but then I’m so fucking angry with him! He disgusts me! That he would act like this. After everything that’s happened! It’s so selfish! And I end up yelling at him and then he looks at me, with that face, that same face he would make when he was seven and my aunt would yell at him…” She covered her face with her hands and whispered through her palms, “And I hate him for that too.”

Jensen sighed, long and deep and raised his chin as he drew Genevieve to his chest and let her bury her face in it and sob, her tears soaking into his shirt.

Now it was a mess.

He sat and held her, stroked her hair and whispered reassurance and love while she cried. But all his attention was focused on his wrist, where the heat from Jared’s fingers was still burning his skin and for the life of him, Jensen couldn’t figure out why.

Chapter Four --- Masterpost --- Chapter Six

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Six

Chapter Six

When Jensen woke up the next morning, he was breathing hard. It wasn’t a nightmare exactly but he was grateful that the images in his head were quickly swept away by the daylight piercing the thin curtains at the window. Even as they faded, a sense of claustrophobia remained and he pushed the sheet away, freeing his arms and letting the air and light touch his bare chest and the sheen of sweat covering him.

Just dreams, he told himself, only dreams.

He threw one arm over his face, burying his nose in the crook of his elbow and the other ran automatically down his stomach and wormed its way under the waistband of his boxers. He was hard which wasn’t exactly unusual but the extent of the patch of pre-come already on his belly was.

Mechanically, he ran his fingers through it and then wrapped them around himself, coating his morning wood in slick, the feel of his fingers and palm sliding so smoothly was comforting. He squeezed along his length, letting his thumb rub up over the head and run along his slit. He tried not to think about his dream, about the jumbled shapes and words.

About sweet alcohol breath in his face, on his lips, in his mouth. Sensing lips, licking and tasting them, feeling them wet on him. About hands on his shoulders, fingers and wrists. Inadvertent intoxicating touches becoming deliberate, kneading the hard flesh, thumbs swiping over still harder nipples.

About his hands on a neck and a chest, fingers bunched at a strong shoulder, pulling closer, pulling closer, pulling…a small sound escaped his open mouth as he spasmed, his stomach muscles jerking taut for a moment as he came, covering his fist, the stickiness being drawn into it as it kept moving, milking the last drops of sensation out of him, making his mind swim and reset.

When his head cleared and he felt the clammy wetness over his fist and the inside his shorts, he waited for the guilt, for the disgust to come. But it didn’t. It was only a dream after all. It didn't mean anything.

So he lay there, watching the shadow of the tree outside his window dance on the curtains and went over the plan that had come to him last night to see if the morning air made it seem stupid or crazy but that didn’t happen either.

He could hear the muted sounds of the day starting downstairs, Saturday laundry, clinking of plates and coffee cups and his mother singing along to the radio, enthusiastic but off key. He willed himself to move.

Five more minutes and he would.

~•~

It took more than five minutes and by the time he had showered and dressed in jeans and a pale blue shirt, consumed coffee and toast, and was pulling on his sneakers, it was already mid-morning.

Samantha hovered near the doorway and watched him lace his shoes. “You going out?”

Jensen finished the double knot and sat up, saying breathily, “Just to Ty’s.”

Samantha visibly stiffened but she tried to keep her voice level when she said, “Really? Is everything okay? You got back quite late last night…”

“Mom. Everything’s...I’m fine. It’s fine. Nothing happened. Well. Stuff happened but not to me and I’m fine…”

There didn’t seem to be much point in carrying on with trying to reassure when he could see her getting more and more tense with every word that came out of his mouth, so he smiled and said, “Would you rather I didn’t go? Just cross my fingers, hope for the best?”

She laughed, brief and harsh and started to walk away. “No. I tried that. It didn’t work out. Go see Ty and I’ll see you later, yes?”

Jensen stood and grabbed his keys, yelling after her, “Oh yeah. Not missing pizza night!

~•~

Ty sat back in the dining room chair, one hand around the mug placed on the table, the other arm hooked over the back of the chair and one bare foot with sooty sole resting on the knee of his paint-splatted jeans.

He stared at Jensen as he had for the last twenty minutes, with his brow furrowed, his eyes intense but body relaxed and receptive. The house was quiet, with sounds of the neighbor’s kid mowing the lawn two doors down buzzing in through the window.
Jensen had finished speaking at least thirty seconds before and the suspense was killing him. He turned his hands upward on the table and prompted again, “Well?”

Ty cocked his head to one side and genuinely perplexed said, “So the guy from the bar…was her brother?”

Jensen looked at him dumbfounded. He shook his head and said, “Seriously? After all that, this is the thing you pick out? Seriously?” He put his elbows on the table and rested his eye sockets on the heels of his palms, and mumbled something Ty was glad he couldn't hear.

Ty leaned forward and shrugged, saying, “I’m not sure what you want me to say, Jen. It sounds like the kid is in a bad way…”

Jensen interrupted, muttering, “He’s not a kid. He’s older than me.”

Ty breathed hard and continued, “…the guy is in a bad way and I’d be happy to talk to him if that’s what you want. But he has to want it first. You know this.”

Jensen let his head drop down and his hands run up through his hair, and then drawing in a deep breath, sat back and said, “I know. I do. I thought maybe...” He looked up sheepishly at Ty and paused. Ty raised an eyebrow and waited. Jensen sighed and said, “I thought maybe if he came this afternoon…”

“This afternoon?” Ty was more than surprised but before he could go on a voice popped up from behind Jensen.

“What about this afternoon?” Traci asked, shuffling in from the lounge and making a bee-line for Jensen.

“Jen has found a lost soul of his very own.” Ty smirked. Traci nodded, sleepy, as she came up padding up behind Jensen, placed her hands on his shoulders, kissed him on the head and said, “Well, then he should bring him this afternoon, another log for the fire!…although…" She stopped in her tracks and screwed up her face. "Jesus Christ, what is in your hair?!”

She wiped at her mouth as Jensen patted at his head, saying, “Gotta look good for your hubby, now don’t I? It’s not my fault that you can’t keep your mouth off me and please will you stop with the fire analogy. It weirds me out.”

Traci went to the sink and grabbed the towel, rubbing hard at her mouth in between saying, “You want me to go back to the 'drinking the Kool-Aid' thing…” She threw the cloth to the side and walked over to Ty, slipping easily into his lap, one arm over his shoulder, and pointedly said, "…and we are not married!”

Jensen looked at them. Ty was all smiles, the lines of his face soft and loving as he looked up at Traci, her dark curls brushing up against Ty’s cheek as she slotted perfectly against him, still sleepy but glowing and happy.

Jensen laughed, “Yeah, you are! You just need the paperwork.” He stood and pulled his jacket from the back of his chair, bunching it in one hand as he walked away. "I’ll see you later.”

“Jen…?” Ty called after him. Jensen turned with his hand on the door. Ty paused a moment longer before he said, “Are you sure about this?”

Jensen smiled and shook his head, “No. But I…I can’t let it go. Y’know?”

Ty smiled and nodded and watched the door close behind Jensen.

“Tyler? What is it?” Traci cupped his jaw with her hand and tilted his eyes up to hers.

He smiled sadly. “Nothing…probably nothing. I don’t know. Just the way he was talking…” He took her hand from his jaw, kissed her knuckles and buried his head in her neck, saying, “I'm probably wrong.”

Traci smiled and pulled him tightly to her and whispered in his ear, “Maybe. But how often does that really happen?”

~•~

Thirty minutes later, Jensen was standing at the door of Genevieve and Jared’s house, wondering whether he should knock.

He had already rung the bell, but he hadn’t heard it sound inside. Waiting was making his head spin how long was it polite to wait before trying again and what if the bell was working so maybe he should press it again but harder but maybe knocking would be best. Jensen took a breath and knocked three times on the door and almost immediately it swung open. He took a half step back and a startled breath.

Jared was standing there in the jeans he’d fallen asleep in last night and nothing else, blearily peering down through the lank hair falling over his eyes, bare-chested and bracing himself between the open door and its frame, a piece of notepaper crumpled in one fist.

“I heard you the first time,” he croaked and then seemed to flush a little when he recognized Jensen. “Oh. It’s you.”

Jensen smiled slightly and tried to keep his eyes on Jared’s. “Um…Hi.”

“Gen’s not here. She had to work today,” Jared said, his voice still ragged.

Jensen smiled. “I know,” he said, “I came to see you.”

Jared frowned, but his arms relaxed and he huffed out, “Huh,” as he turned and walked back into the house, leaving the door wide open.
Jensen raised his eyebrows, mouthed ‘Okaaay!’ to himself and went in, closing the door behind him. He followed Jared to the kitchen where he was filling the coffee pot with water and yawning.

As Jensen walked through the door, Jared put the pot on the countertop and leaned back next to it, rubbing a hand over his face and saying, “Look, man. I’m so sorry about last night. I didn’t know that she’d drag you into this and I’m so sorry I ruined your evening. It’s completely reasonable that you want to tear me a new one, but please don’t think badly of Gen. She was just looking out for me.”

He sounded weary but so sincere and anxious. Jensen smiled softly and walked over to the kitchen table. “This isn’t…I didn’t come here for that. This isn’t that.”

Jared opened his mouth to speak but shut it again. He looked truly confused. He folded his arms across his chest. “It’s not?” Jensen smirked and shook his head. Jared went on, “So what is it then?”

Jensen placed the carton of orange juice that was sticking out of his jacket pocket on the table and added a bottle of Advil that he pulled from his jeans. He slung his jacket on the back of one of the chairs and walked over to the coffee pot, saying, “Well, you start with those and I’ll make some coffee. You really don’t look like you should be operating any heavy machinery right now.”

Jared eyed him suspiciously but lifted away from the counter as soon as Jensen got close, and settled himself at the table.

By the time Jensen sat down with the coffees, Jared had managed to pull on a tee-shirt from the pile of clean laundry on the chair next to him. He had demolished the juice, drinking it straight from the carton in practically one go and was looking a little less pallid. Jensen wasn’t quite sure what to do now he was actually here, so he asked, “So did you speak to Gen this morning?”

Jared smiled. “Not exactly,” He reached up and back to the kitchen counter behind him. Jensen tried and failed to keep his eyes on the mug in his hands but thankfully was able to stop himself from audibly gasping at the sight of Jared’s muscular torso stretching out, his hip visible through a window between the bottom of the tee-shirt and his jeans. Jensen tried to shake away the fascination with Jared’s body. It didn’t make any sense that he should be thinking about Jared like that. But goddammit, he wanted to reach out and run his fingers across that piece of flesh to see what it felt like.

Jared grabbed the piece of notepaper from the counter and held it out for Jensen. “She taped this to my forehead before she left. She only does that when she wants to make doubly sure I know she’s pissed off.”

Jensen took the note and started to read and wasn’t sure how anyone could interpret the verbal assault any other way. He started to think he might blush. He put his finger on a word and held it out to Jared, saying, “I think she spelt ‘colonoscopy’ wrong?”

Jared leaned in to look and smiled. “No. That’s just her god-awful handwriting. I keep telling her she should’ve trained to be a doctor, not a nurse.”

“Why didn’t she?” Jensen asked, laying the note face down.

“Money. Time. Money. Besides, she’s good at her job. I think she’s more about the people. She says being a doctor is more about the disease.”

Jensen nodded and rotated his coffee mug one more time. His mind was desperately scrabbling around for something to say, someway to bring up the subject without sounding like a complete tool.

But then Jared spoke, “So are you my one-man intervention, then?” He was smiling as he said it but his eyes looked terrified.
Jensen kept his eyes on the coffee and nodded. “Something like that, yeah.”

Jared huffed out a laugh and shifted in his seat. Jensen took a deep breath. “Look, I know we only met last night but Gen told me a bit about what’s been going on with you,“ Jared shifted again and for a second Jensen thought that he might make a run for it but kept talking, “…and I have this friend. He’s been through some similar stuff and more and I thought it might help you. To talk to him.” Jared didn’t move or speak and was barely breathing so Jensen went on, “He’s a good guy. You’ll like him.”

Jared’s jaw was tense, his fingers white knuckled on his mug. Jensen waited. He was expecting resistance, outrage, utter indignation or denial. He really didn't expect Jared to keep his head down and say in a voice so small he couldn't imagine it coming out of such a big guy, “Why?” Jensen shook his head, not grasping what Jared meant. Jared let his eyes flick up and then back to his coffee and said, “Why would you do that? Why would he do that?” Jared’s voice was still so quiet Jensen could barely hear him.

And all he could think of was Jared’s small, sad voice the night before - don’t hate me - and the way his skin had burned when it touched Jared’s. He had to clear his throat before he could speak. “Because he’s been there. We all have been in one way or another. And…” Jensen shook his head and glanced up at Jared, “…and what you said to me last night…I think maybe you’ve had enough.”
Jared sat back in his chair, rubbing the flat of his palm over his mouth, the flesh around his eyes pinking. Then he nodded and his voice cracking, said, “So, did Gen put you up to this?”

Jensen laughed. “No. No she didn’t.” He turned and winced at Jared.” And I was hoping we could keep it between us? For now.”
Jared watched him for a moment and then laughed, loud and full. “Oh man! You make it sound like you’re trying to lure me into the back of a mini van with the promise of puppies!” Jensen smiled and tried to think of something smart to say but nothing was going to top hearing Jared laugh like that, so he just kept smiling, especially when Jared shook his head and said, “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to your friend. I don’t know what good it’ll do. But okay.”

Jensen sat up and stared, struck dumb for a moment. He’d expected a struggle, having to cajole or beg or something. “That’s…that’s awesome! Okay then. Well, let’s get you cleaned up…and food. You should eat. Actually, I should eat. We can get something on the way maybe.”

Jared’s eyes opened wide. “Now! You wanna go now?” He suddenly looked pale again.

Jensen nodded.“Why wait? Better not to have time to talk yourself out of it. And besides, did you really have plans for today?”

Jared scowled at him and pushed himself out of the chair saying, “Not exactly.”

Two minutes later, Jensen sipped his coffee and smiled as he heard the sound of the shower snap on in the room above. Thinking about Jared pushing his black jeans down over his hips, stepping naked under the flow of steaming water only a few feet away, wiped the smile right back off his face.

Chapter Five --- Masterpost --- Chapter Seven

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Jared looked almost human when he came back downstairs. His wet hair had dripped a few damp spots onto the back of his, almost too tight, grey Henley, but he didn't seem to even notice them and stuffed his wallet and keys into the pockets of his fresh black jeans. The day was warm and they’d soon be gone, Jensen thought. He also was having some strong ideas on how Jared smelt a whole lot better too but still somehow smelled of Jared. He decided to push those down into the memory bank called ‘no way, nope, nu-uh’ and to never think of them again. He handed Jared a bottle of water and they headed out the door without saying a word.

They walked in silence for a while but ended up talking awkwardly about nothing, taking turns in trying to fill the uncomfortable moments, Jensen mostly trying to keep Jared's mind and questions away from what they were doing and where they were going. He didn't want to say too much before they actually got there for fear that too much reality might scare Jared away.

So he kept asking questions and thankfully Jared reciprocated. They discovered that Jared was nearly two years older than him and that they had both grown up in Lubbock although attended different schools. They went to the same swimming club as kids but on different days and had hung out in pretty much the same parks and stores and bars, but never at the same time or with the same people.

Jared had just managed to scrape through a degree in English and History at Texas Tech and although his original plan was to teach, he had ended up working as a mechanic at his friend’s garage. He didn’t hate it but although he had a natural aptitude for anything with oil on it, he didn’t love it either.

When Jensen asked whether he ever thought about going back to college to get his teaching qualifications, Jared got quiet and mumbled, "Not for a long time."

They grabbed a sandwich at Blakes and Jared managed to make the waitress that usually fawned over Jensen blush and forget that he even existed, which amused Jensen as far the daggers of jealousy in his gut would allow. He wasn’t sure which irked him more, the fact that she usually only ever had eyes for him or the fact that Jared seemed in his element. He was beaming at her, dimples and all, casually touching and being so sweet and she was bright red and about ready to whip her panties off right there at their table by the time she brought the check.

“You should have gotten her number.” Jensen had to force the words out and hoped they didn’t sound too bitter through his clenched teeth, as they walked away from the diner.

Jared just shrugged and brushed some crumbs from the front of his shirt. “Nah. Not my type.”

Jensen huffed out a laugh and muttered, “Could have fooled me,” under his breath.

Jared looked at him questioningly as they crossed the street but didn't say anything. He shoved his hands in his pockets and finally asked, “So where are we meeting this friend of yours?”

Jensen gestured in front of them and tried to sound as casual as possible. “Just down here.” He could feel his heart start to quicken and he suddenly wondered if he’d made a horrible mistake.

They turned down the side street and he could see Ty out on the street smoking, leant up against the wall, talking to Traci. She spotted the two of them coming and waved to Jensen before heading off into the red brick building.

Jared looked worried but joked, “Oh god, you’re not taking me to church are you? Is this a cult thing?”

Jensen laughed. “No! No, not exactly.”

Jared sounded worried but kept walking as he quietly hissed out, “What do you mean, not exactly?” but by then they had reached the place where Ty was waiting.

Ty straightened and held out his hand. “You must be Jared. Nice to meet you, man. And well done for showing up today. We all know the first time isn’t easy so just remember this is a safe place for you to talk if you wanna talk.” Jared looked very confused but shook his hand anyway and smiled. Ty clapped Jensen on the shoulder and said, “See you in there,“ before heading off into the parking lot himself.

Jared turned and stared at Jensen who was looking slightly flushed and said, “I’m assuming that was the guy, but what the hell is he talking about?”

Jensen did a sort of half laugh, swallowed and shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. “That’s Ty. You can talk to him if you want…or you could talk to me. And as for what he was saying…I may have slightly left out some stuff.” Jared frowned and folded his arms across his chest but didn’t speak, so Jensen continued, “There’s a meeting here, every afternoon. It’s just a place to come and talk and…”

“What do you mean I could talk to you?” Jared interrupted.

Jensen shuffled his feet uncomfortably, then looking Jared in the eye, rubbed a hand across his mouth before straightening up and saying firmly and clearly, “Hi. My name is Jensen…and I’m an addict.”

~•~

Initially, Jensen didn’t think Jared would even come in to the meeting.

“You’re a what?!”

“Jared, please…”

“Oh my God! Is this…are you…are you dragging me to an AA meeting? What the hell! Who’s stupid idea was this?”

“Jared, look…” Jensen took a step towards him. Jared held up his hands and started to back away, so Jensen did the same, saying, “Okay, don’t freak out. It’s not AA, not exactly. It’s a support group for addicts. Of all kinds. Look, the point is, it’s here if you need it. I’m here…Ty too…” He sighed and shook his head and sounded defeated as he said, “Look. I can’t make you go in there. And actually I don’t want to make you do anything. You need to want to do it yourself.”

Jensen paused. He could see Jared was beginning to soften. He looked more scared now than angry, so Jensen just kept going. “But you know, you’ve come this far. If you did decide to come in, you can just watch, check it out, see if you think it’s for you. No-one’s going to make you stand up and tell your life story or anything. You can sit and drink terrible coffee and just listen."

Jensen stopped, trying to gauge Jared’s reaction.

Jared looked like he wanted to say something but seemed frozen, his scared eyes fixed on the ground at Jensen’s feet. Jensen took a breath to babble some more but Jared asked quietly, “So you go here?”

“Yes.”

“Everyday?”

Jensen sighed and rubbed at his jaw. ”Yes. Well, usually. Sometimes you can’t help but miss a day. There’s another meeting over on St. James’ in the mornings so sometimes I go to that. Some days I've done both.” Jared raised his eyebrows and looked Jensen straight in the eye. Jensen smiled weakly and shrugged. “Just gotta do whatever it takes.”

Jared looked away and shifted from one foot to the other. Jensen thought he might fall down; he suddenly looked pale and strangely fragile, and Jensen realized that his grand plan was looking more and more like that horrible mistake.

He put his hand on Jared’s shoulder and said, “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Why don’t I walk you back home–”

“Did it…does it…help?” Jared interrupted.

Jensen nodded. “Yes. It’s still not easy...but yes.”

Jared took a deep breath. The skin around his eyes reddened and Jensen could feel him fighting to keep his composure. It took him a minute but then he nodded and said, “Well, we better get in there then.”

Jared had been quiet the whole meeting.

When they had first gone in Jensen had introduced him to a couple of people. Misha, of course, had bounded over and given him the spiel that he gave all the first timers and Jared had nodded and shook his hand with barely a word escaping his lips.

He had sat, listening attentively to everyone who had stood and told their story, the tension gradually leaving his shoulders as the meeting went on. When Misha had asked if anyone else wanted to introduce themselves to the group, Jared had looked like he was trying to melt into the plastic chair but Misha had just smiled and not pressed the issue.

At the end, when everyone was milling around chatting and saying goodbyes, Jared stayed close by as Jensen made conversation with a couple of people that urgently needed to talk to him about things that he really couldn’t have cared less about. They both spoke briefly to Ty and Traci as they were leaving.

And the whole time Jensen just wanted to reach out and touch Jared. Just to have a point of contact with him. On his shoulder or back or, for God’s sake, to hold his hand, just so that Jared would know that he was okay. So he would know he wasn’t alone.

~•~

Jared picked at the rim of the paper cup holding his coffee.

Jensen was trying not to watch him so instead kept his eyes on the hustle and bustle of the Sunday afternoon footfall in the park.

The sun was shining, leaving large dappled shadows underneath the plentiful trees. The bird song would make it tranquil and pleasant if it weren't for half of Lubbock having seemly turned out for a stroll; moms with buggies talking emphatically as the whirlwind of tots encircle them, the blood curdling screams from the playground drawing them to it, teens throwing a ball or Frisbee, cyclists weaving between them and dodging dog walkers with enthusiastic sniffers on long extendable leads.

Jared and Jensen sat motionless and silent on a bench at the center, letting it all happen around them.

Jensen had suggested going to a coffee shop after the meeting but Jared looked like he might suffocate. He needed air. Needed space. So they got a drink from the vendor on their way in and had sat. Jensen letting Jared catch a breath, while Jensen held his.

It seemed like the longer Jared was silent, the more Jensen wanted to reach out for him. But he didn’t. He just sat, looking out into the sunlight and watched the world go by and waited. The minutes passed by slowly until Jensen was sure he couldn’t keep still or silent any longer.

“So. Is it like that every time?”

Jensen took a deep breath and sat back. He let himself glance over at Jared, leaning forward on his open knees and still worrying his paper cup. Jensen shrugged and said, “More or less. Sometimes it gets quite heated. Sometimes sad. And there’s this one guy…generally if he’s there we all end up laughing our asses off at some point. But yeah, pretty much the same.”

Jared straightened and then slumped against the back of the bench, mirroring Jensen, the lines of their bodies so close they were almost touching.

All the air in Jensen’s lungs seemed suddenly reluctant to leave him and he tried to cover it up by asking, “So what did you think?”

Jared shrugged and shook his head, saying “I don’t know. It wasn’t how I thought it would be. Everyone seems really nice. Normal, even. Although, what’s with Misha’s sweater vest?”

Jensen laughed. Today’s effort was particularly lurid. Lime green wasn’t the worst he’d seen Misha in but it brought out a particularly sickly tone in his skin that really did nothing for him. “His wife makes them. Knits them or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s a punishment...”

Jared laughed. “For him or us?”

Jensen snickered and said, “Good point. She makes up for it with the cookies, though.”

“Oh God, they were good. Would it be bad if I came back just for the cookies?”

Jensen turned his head to look at Jared and was surprised how close they were, how perilously close the skin on Jared’s neck was to his mouth. His tongue dipped out and wet his lip. “So you’ll come back?”

Jared turned and looked into his eyes. “Yes. Yes, I think so. If you’ll have me. Would you? Have me?”

Jensen wasn’t sure what was worse, the timbre of Jared’s voice or the fact that he imagined he could feel the ghost of his breath over his lips. He swallowed and croaked out, “Tomorrow? I can come pick you up if you want. Walk in with you?”

Jared watched Jensen’s mouth when he spoke and then raised a hand to his own, laying the palm flat over it and wiping down. He smiled briefly and then looked back down at his hands saying, “I have to work tomorrow,” he paused long enough for a wave of disappointment to crash over Jensen but then continued, “but I think Mike will let me take the time out if I make it up at the end of the day. You could always pick me up from there. If you wanted?”

Those last words were almost a whisper. Jensen smiled and nodded. They sat quietly for a moment until Jared asked, “I’m assuming by the way you still have all your limbs that you haven’t told my sister about this?”

Jensen squirmed and held his palms up saying, “I am. I will. I keep meaning to and then stuff comes up, but I will…”

“Don’t.” Jared interrupted, “Just…I wouldn’t. Not yet. You can’t suddenly spring stuff like this on her. She needs to slowly get used to an idea otherwise she’ll blow up. And it’s not pretty. I’ll tell her that I went, that I’m going to the meeting but I’ll say it’s with a friend of yours. How about that? It’s not a lie even. Ty will be there, right?”

Jensen pursed his lips together and sighed. He wasn’t sure about not telling her but he was even less sure about confessing all, so he nodded and said, “Okay. If you think it’s best.”

Jared smiled. “I do. Are you hungry? I’m hungry.” He threw his paper cup into the trash, patted Jensen’s knee twice and then hauled himself up to stand, turning to face Jensen.

Jensen huffed out a sharp breath. His hand ran forward, unconsciously skimming his knee where the trace of Jared’s hand lingered, and looked up at him, smiling. “Actually. I think I am.”

Chapter Six--- Masterpost --- Chapter Eight

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Jared came through the front door about six-thirty.

Genevieve called out, “You’re back early,” from the lounge and when he walked through he didn’t seem surprised to see Jensen sprawled out on the couch, one arm around Genevieve, the other holding her yearbook in his lap while she curled up next to him.

Jensen was already smiling, the story about her tenth grade English teacher was going to stick with him for a while, but when he saw Jared, he couldn’t stop his smile from getting even wider. Seeing his oil stained hands, dark patches beneath his armpits, dusty blue jeans and bangs sticking to his face, Jensen suddenly felt hot all over.

It was disconcerting, the effect that Jared was having on him. Somewhere deep down in his gut, the thought of Jared’s hands, his skin, his mouth all triggered something that Jensen couldn’t rationalize. It made no sense. It wasn’t like him to feel like this; like he wanted Jared, like he was somehow envious of the way Jared looked and wanted to be close to him, but that’s all he could think that it was.

Jared smiled, dimples flashing in Jensen’s direction. “Got let out early. Good behavior. Not interrupting, am I?”

Jensen laughed and shook his head. “No. We were thinking about eating. You wanna join us?”

Jared raised his eyebrows, looked to Genevieve, who just shrugged, but then he frowned, “Well, I guess it depends what you’re having. If it’s anything from that crappy Japanese place, then I don’t.”

Genevieve unfolded her legs and pushed up off the couch saying, “Pizza. From the new place. Jensen says it’s pretty good.”

“Are you paying?”

Genevieve laughed and nodded. “Yes and I’m gonna head over there to collect, as I promised Sarah I’d drop her books back to her before her shift starts. That is if you boys think that you can get along for five minutes while I’m out?” She raised her eyebrows pointedly at them.

They both made matching innocent faces before Jared said, “Oh I think we’ll find something to do while you’re gone.” Jensen’s mind plummeted to depths so far from innocent he wasn’t sure they had a name.

Genevieve nodded and wandered towards the kitchen, saying, “Good. And when I get back you can tell me all about this mysterious friend who whisks my brother away every afternoon.”

Jensen felt all the air leave his body and looked desperately at Jared.

Jared shook his head slightly to reassure him and said, “Come on Gen. The clue’s in the name. Anonymous, remember.”

Genevieve scoffed, “I know, I know. It would just be nice to know what kind of person you’re hanging out with, is all.”

Jared looked toward Jensen, smiling as he answered her, “He’s a nice guy. I really like him.”

Jensen could feel the heat in his skin and prayed to God he wasn’t turning as red as he felt.

Genevieve walked back in the room shaking her head. “Well, he can’t be all that nice if he’s an addict, can he?” She didn’t realize quite how bad it sounded until she looked up and saw Jared’s face, the hurt and rage spreading over it.

He threw his jacket down onto the chair as hard as he could, spat out, “Well, it’s good to know how you feel, Gen! Thanks a fucking lot! I’m gonna take a shower,” and stormed off up the stairs, taking them two at a time, not looking back when Genevieve called after him. He slammed the bathroom door so hard it made the front door rattle in the frame.

She sighed and turned to Jensen. “I’m sorry about that.”

Jensen shook his head and sat up. “Don’t apologize to me.”

She raised her eyebrows at him. “Oh come on, he knows I didn’t mean it like that!”

Jensen shook his head. “I wouldn’t bet on that.”

He felt like he wanted to say more, to tell her that it didn’t matter what she meant, it was what she said; that she needed to be easier on Jared, that he was trying so hard, that it was difficult and he was amazing and why couldn’t she be a little kinder to him; but then he would be taking Jared’s side, favoring him over the girl he was almost dating and somehow he felt something secret wouldn’t be secret any longer.

So he just shrugged.

~•~

Jared thumped heavily down the stairs about two seconds after the front door slammed shut behind Genevieve. Jensen wondered how long he’d been standing and waiting at the top for her to leave. His hair swung in thick damp clumps, smearing wet onto the collar of his too-tight white tee-shirt.

He scuffed his bare feet across the carpet and plonked down onto the couch next to Jensen, who was answering emails on his smartphone, and stared into his lap. He waited for Jensen to finish up and switch his phone off before he mumbled, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Jensen’s hand interrupted him. Somehow, of it’s own volition, it had reached out and wrapped itself around Jared’s bare forearm. His skin still felt damp from the shower and so warm. Jensen knew he shouldn’t let it linger there but he couldn’t seem to find the connection between his brain and his fingers to compel them to let go, so he said, “You don’t need to do that. Really…” He brought his eyes up and they met Jared’s, all full of vulnerability but with something else lingering beneath the surface. Finally, he got his hand to move and sat back. “…but you know she didn’t mean it, right?”

Jared stared at him. Then shaking his head slightly, he took a long breath and looked away. His hand absently brushed over the place when Jensen’s had just been. “I know she thinks she didn’t mean it but she does, y’know. She can’t separate what people do from who people are.”

“Is that why you don’t think I should tell her? Because eventually I’m going to have to tell her and she’s going to find out all that stuff about me, about the meetings, and that we lied to her on top of it.” Jensen shook his head. “It’s not good, Jay.”

Jared nodded. “I know. I’ll fix it, I will.” He shifted to face Jensen and said, “I did think about telling her a bit about Ty but I wasn’t sure what he would think…or what you would think.”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

Jared nodded and looked at his hands again.

Jensen knew why he wouldn’t.


Ever since Ty had stood up on the anniversary of his daughter’s death and talked about how hard it was, remembering the good times, let alone dealing with the guilt, despite him having nothing to feel guilty about; Jared had seemed scared to talk to him.

He’d known that something had happened to Ty, something bad enough to tip his heavy social drinking into something unmanageable, that he lost his job, his wife, his everything, before he hit rock bottom.

And he knew too how he had fought his way back, that it had been a long, hard climb before he met Traci, and she became the final piece of the puzzle that kept him out of the depths.

But for some reason, knowing why, hearing it like that, had shaken Jared. Jensen had tried to talk to him about it but all Jared would say was, “He had every reason and I don’t.”


Jensen took a breath, intending to try to get him to open up about it this time but Jared turned to him and smiled softly, his eyes glinting.

Jensen frowned. “What?”

Jared shook his head. “Nothing…I like this shirt, where’d you get it?” He reached out a hand and took the back of Jensen’s collar between his thumb and forefinger, running them down to the front, feeling the fabric, his knuckles grazing over Jensen’s collarbone.

Jensen couldn’t breath and didn’t even try to move. It didn’t feel wrong despite how wrong it felt, and he managed to mumble, “I don’t remember.”

Jared smiled and hmmm’d, and then letting go, glanced over towards the games console. “Fancy a game while we wait?”

Jensen huffed out a laugh, not entirely sure what had just happened but nodded and said, “Sure, though it’s been a while.”

Jared slapped Jensen’s leg and slid off the couch. “Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle with you. Well, just this once.”

And Jensen’s mind started plummeting all over again.

Chapter Seven--- Masterpost --- Chapter Nine

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Two weeks later, Jensen rounded the corner that brought the church into sight and he felt his chest hitch in anticipation.
He still wasn’t sure what the excitement he felt meant exactly, mainly because he tried his best not to think about it for any more time than it took to push the question out of his mind. The way his heart pounded or his skin tingled or the air got crushed out of his lungs at seemingly random moments. Except he knew damn well they weren’t random.

He heard Jared before he saw him; that laugh, long and full, coming right out of the depths of him made Jensen flush, smile, and walk a little quicker.

He’d seen Jared every day since dragging him to that first meeting a couple of months before, meeting him at work, walking to the meetings, sometimes grabbing a quick lunch together after, before walking him back. And he’d been spending more and more time at their place, seeing Genevieve as often as her shifts at the hospital would allow, so inevitably seeing Jared there, having coffee while waiting for Genevieve to get home or get ready, bringing takeout so all three of them could watch a movie together. He was sort of getting used to the sensation.

He didn’t think the way he felt when he was around Jared meant anything and even if he was inclined to deconstruct it, he wouldn’t. Because he liked it and the thought of rationalizing the feeling away wasn’t something he really wanted to do.

As he got closer to the church, he could see Ty in his usual spot, slightly obscuring Jared, who sat on the wall next to him, his long legs dangling down, his sneakered heels kicking the wall. He was wearing his blue work overalls, the top half rolled down and tied around his waist, his tanned arms looking particularly brown against his white tee-shirt. There was something about that combination that made Jensen forget how to put one foot in front of the other for a fraction of a second.

Jared peered around from behind Ty, spotted Jensen, hopped down off the wall and closed the gap between them, throwing his arms around him in a bear hug. Turned out Jared was more into hugging than Misha, which was pretty disconcerting for some of the group, being that Jared was the size of two Mishas stuck together.

“What time do you call this?”

Jensen thumped Jared on the back, smiled and pulled away. “What are you, my mother? Interview ran late.”

Jared looked confused and slightly worried. “Interview? What interview?”

Jensen opened his mouth to speak but Ty was already at his side, tugging at his elbow, urging the three of them inside, so he just made a face that said, I’ll tell you later and Jared had no choice but to follow them into the meeting.

~•~

The meeting ran a little long and Jared made his apologies to them both at having to rush back to work. “I’m sorry, it’s just we got this last minute job from a regular client and Mike couldn’t say no,” he said as he pushed his way out into the sunlight.

“No worries, man. I’ll see you tomorrow anyway?” Jensen asked placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder. Jared smiled, “Sure. You wanna meet me at the garage? You can buy me lunch first if you like.”

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, okay. Being as you asked me so nicely.”

He smiled and shooed him away. Jared laughed as he went, looking back over his shoulder when he was halfway down the road, still smiling. Jensen didn’t stop grinning either or take his eyes off him until he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. He looked around into Ty’s slightly glowering face.

“I’m taking you to lunch,” he informed Jensen, somehow making it sound like a threat more than an invitation.

Jensen swallowed. “You don’t have to do th–”

“I’m taking you to lunch.” Ty interrupted and started walking in the direction of Blake’s. Jensen took a deep breath and followed behind him.

~•~

They sat at their usual table, ordered their usual meals and nothing seemed out of place until the waitress walked away after bringing their drinks.

Jensen wasn’t nervous exactly. He’d known Ty long enough to know that he had something on his mind but that wasn’t anything to be scared about. Ty was one of the most laid back people he’d ever met in his life. The fact that he was glaring at Jensen was a little disconcerting but he was sure it was probably nothing.

Ty took a sip of his mineral water and cleared his throat. “So how is it going with you and Jared?” His voice was calm and Jensen felt genuinely confused for a second.

He figured Ty was probably just trying to soften him up before they got to whatever it was that was bothering him, so he shrugged and said, “Fine.”

Ty leant back in the booth, folded his arms across his chest and raised his eyebrows.

Jensen looked puzzled and shook his head saying, “I don’t…it’s fine. He’s doing really well. He’s had a couple of times where he’s felt unsteady but he called me and we talked it out…I know I should speak to him about getting an actual sponsor and I will but…”

Ty’s hands rubbed hard over his face. His fingers lingered at his temples before they dragged down to his mouth.

Jensen watched and his stomach flipped. He could see a question on Ty’s face and he wasn’t sure why but he felt like he was standing in front of the Principal, about to get a month’s worth of detention.

Ty stared at him for an uncomfortably long time before suddenly sitting upright and bursting out, albeit quietly, “Fuck it. I’m sorry Jensen but…Traci thinks I should keep my mouth shut but I just…” He fixed Jensen with his blue eyes and leant forward on the table. “Do you seriously not see it?”

Jensen was struck dumb for a moment. He huffed out a laugh and mirrored Ty’s posture, saying in the same whispered tone, “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

Ty widened his eyes and shook his head. “Seriously? You don’t see the way he behaves? The way he looks at you?...”

“What are you talking about?”

“…All the hugging and stuff? You know that only happens when you’re there right?...”

“Ty, seriously, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“…And you’re as bad, with the sneaky looks and constant touching…”

“Ty, stop. I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“…and every other word out of your mouth is ‘Jared’…”

“TY!”

Jensen flinched even though the word came out of his own mouth. Came out far too loud and the silence that followed was filled by a diner-full of awkwardness, the clanking of cutlery and the tinny voice of a radio DJ introducing the next song.

Jensen smiled unconvincingly at the elderly couple, who were glaring at him from across the room like he’d totally ruined their fried chicken with his harsh word, before turning back to Ty and hissing out in a whisper, “I have no fucking clue what you are talking about.”

Ty shook his head and looked utterly shocked. He turned his palms up in despair and said, “I’m talking about you…and Jared…and the fact that you want to fuck each others brains out.”

Jensen sat there, open-mouthed, feeling the blood drain from his face, unable to move or speak or think. He wanted to laugh it off, pretend that Ty had made the best joke and it was on him ha ha but he couldn’t. He was paralyzed by the truth of it.

Luckily, Ty was able to acknowledge the waitress when she arrived with the food. By the time Jensen could function again, there was a huge burger with fries in front of him. He pushed it roughly to one side and violently shaking his head, just about managed to croak out, “No. No, that’s not...”

“Jensen.” Ty looked at him and all Jensen could see was Ty’s soft eyes, all concern and worry, without an ounce of blame or hate or disapproval. “Jensen, please.”

“It’s not like that. He’s…” Jensen thought he might choke on the words but kept going, managing softly, “He’s not like that. I don’t even think I’m like that.”

Ty scoffed and crammed a spoonful of chilli into his mouth. Jensen stared at him smirking and chewing until Ty swallowed and laughed out, “You’re joking.”

Jensen shrugged and pulled his burger back in front of him. Ty looked horrified, wiped his mouth roughly with a napkin and went on, “Oh, God, Jensen! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry. I thought that maybe you were coming to terms with it, staying sober for this long…I’m sorry I didn’t even think that…”

“You think I’m gay?”

Ty half-laughed and nodded. “Well, you want to fuck a guy so…oh hell, labels are just…does it matter? Can’t you want who you want, just because?” He saw the disbelief on Jensen’s face and added, “You’re not camp or flaming or… whatever, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“There’s a difference!” Jensen didn’t mean that to sound so bitchy but the words came out snide and hateful and he could measure just how hateful by the annoyance on Ty’s face.

Ty leaned forward, genuine anger brimming underneath the calm. “Don’t do that. Not facing up to who you are, how you feel is probably what got you using in the first place. Don’t start coming off like an asshole, thinking it’ll make you feel better. It won’t.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…I just don’t think it’s…that.”

Ty rolled his eyes and prodded at his chilli, saying calmly, “Fair enough. Although just out of curiosity…if you felt about a girl how you feel about Jared, what would you call it?”

Jensen didn’t even have to think about it, the word popped straight into his head and he shook it away, feeling the enormity of it sting tears into his eyes. He swallowed and mumbled, “You don’t seem…shocked. Surprised, even?”

Ty laughed, “The most surprised I’ve been was when you were so pleased about getting Genevieve’s number.” The laugh died pretty quickly and they both shifted in their seats.

Jensen rubbed his hand over his head. “God. What a mess.”

Ty nodded in agreement and pushed Jensen’s plate closer to him. Jensen really didn’t feel like eating but he got the distinct impression that Ty would feed his lunch to him if he didn’t eat it himself. He wrapped his hands around the burger and picked it up.

“It is pretty Shakespearian. Falling for the brother of the girl you’re sleeping with.”

Jensen was about to take a bite but the words made him pause until Ty’s eyes fell on him and he couldn’t meet them. He took the biggest bite he could without choking and set to chewing as slowly as possible to prolong his silence. But it was pointless.

Ty’s eyes grew wide. “Huh. So not sleeping with. I think that’s supposed to make it better but somehow…Really? And that didn’t make you think that maybe you weren’t that into her?”

Jensen chewed a couple more times and then swallowed with difficulty. His mouth was still half-full when he said, “We were taking it slow.”

Ty nodded slowly. “And given half a chance with Jared, would you ‘take it slow’?”

Jensen swallowed again and hoped the sudden flush he felt in his belly didn’t extend to his skin.

Ty raised his eyebrows and mumbled, “Yep, that’s what I thought.”

They both ate in silence for a while, Jensen trying to get his head around the fact that his sponsor had just outed him…to himself…and what in the hell he was supposed to do now, but one thing Ty had said kept rubbing on the inside of his skull.

He tried to sound casual, “So…”

“Yes.”

Jensen’s hands dropped to the table and he glared at Ty’s smug face. “I haven’t even asked you yet.”

Ty smirked. “Yes, yes I do think he likes you as much as you like him. The poor boy lights up like a fucking lighthouse beacon every time you walk in the room!”

“But you don’t think it could just be because…”

“Nope…” Ty interrupted, pointing his fork at him. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s you. He likes you. Just accept it,” he smiled, wickedly, “even if you are a 12 year-old girl at times.”

Jensen picked at his burger and mumbled, “I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, you better figure it out.” Jensen looked up at Ty’s harsh tone. Through the mouthful of chili, he would have sounded stern even without the added emphasis of the fork being jabbed in his direction. “You let this go on much longer, it’s going to get a whole lot messier.”

Chapter Eight--- Masterpost --- Chapter Ten

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

The following day when Jensen woke up, he was oddly surprised that he had slept at all. He had lain in bed so long the night before, staring at the ceiling, eyelids seemingly pinned open, he couldn’t imagine that he would ever fall asleep again and resigned himself to wait for the sun to rise.

His mind had been reeling since his conversation with Ty. He had wandered around for most of the rest of the day in a thick haze, thinking back to every relationship he’d ever had, every girlfriend who had questioned his preferences, every time he’d found a guy vaguely attractive or developed what he thought of as a man-crush. In hindsight, there may have been more occasions than he had realized when his preferences skewed toward the other team.

And the more he thought about it, the way he was never as interested in discussing the sexual attributes of women as his guy friends, how his ventures into internet porn usually ended up on a site that had no women at all...hell, the fact that he still thought about the boy that he’d met on his summer vacation when he was fourteen, putting the deep longing down to raging random hormones...the more he was bewildered that questioning his sexuality hadn't really crossed his mind before. He might not be gay but he wasn't as straight as he'd always imagined himself to be.

Eventually, he dragged himself out of bed and the thoughts that had kept him awake half the night, followed him into the shower. He thought about how he’d loved Danneel - truly loved her - but the others, Alona, Sarah, as much as he wanted to be with them, they really didn’t compare. He had never loved them, never wanted them as much as he had loved Danneel.

And then there was Jared. And the way Jensen felt about him completely eclipsed how he had felt about even her. Which was insane. He'd only known the guy a matter of weeks but already he was ready to give him the same level of commitment it had taken years to get to with Danneel. It was insane. And he told himself so. Out loud. The sound of his voice suddenly loud in the quiet room, as he pulled his tee-shirt over his head, lost in thought and voiced, “That’s just insane.”

“Did you say something, Jen?” Samantha glanced in through his open door as she passed. Jensen flipped around and took a breath, shaking his head slightly too hard. She scowled at him and kept moving.

Jensen flopped down onto the bed, his head swimming with gonna have to tell her, gonna have to tell everyone, what will they think? what if they hate me? why would they even believe me? I’m twenty-six years old and now suddenly I like guys?

And that’s the way his brain continued, through breakfast, replying to emails, cleaning the grill ready for Sunday, until it got closer to lunchtime and Jensen set out for the garage, for Jared. He spent the walk there trying to persuade himself that he could do this, be cool, not be awkward, not be, well, gay. Because no matter what Ty said there was no way that he could know for sure that Jared felt the same about him and there was no way he could say anything without screwing up his relationship with Jared for good.

He rehearsed saying Hello, Hi, How you doing, What’s up and a thousand other stupid things as he walked, forgetting once or twice that he was in a public place and that he shouldn’t be making random facial expressions. He felt like an idiot and tried to persuade himself that this was just like any other day. No big deal at all.

Jensen felt a little giddy as he crossed the street opposite the workshop. He peered inside but couldn't see Jared. But as he drew closer, he could hear Jared, just not from inside the building. Jensen followed the sound of Jared’s voice and then someone else’s, down the side of the adjacent building to the alley behind.

When he got close enough to hear words and not just sounds, Jensen slowed not wanting to eavesdrop exactly, more not wanting to interrupt but Jared sounded so upset he didn’t really feel like leaving him alone either.

Jared was saying, “…I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve told you already…”

“You’re full of shit, Jay…” the other voice interrupted, sounding angry. “…I know you. This isn’t you!”

“For Christ’s sake, Chad, what the fuck do you know, huh?” The name hit Jensen like a blow to the chest and his body tensed and eyes closed against it. The only redemption was that Jared was using it like a weapon. “Seriously? You think I want this? Want to work in this crappy job? Stay living with my fucking sister? Drink myself half to death with you every night…”

“That’s not fucking fair and you know it! I never made you do anything you didn’t want to do. We’re supposed to be friends, Jay…”

“Exactly! So why can’t you be happy for me that I’m getting straightened out?”

“Bullshit! This is you running, like you always do, trying to pretend that you’re someone you’re not…”

“Oh my God, is that what this is about…!”

“…you’re not one of them, Jay. You don’t need them…”

“Just drop it, Chad!”

“…You need me! You know you do!...”

“Chad! Jesus, get off me!”

The sound of feet scuffling in the dirt, sent Jensen, not running, but walking as quickly as he could without looking too freaked out around the corner.

Jared was backed up against the wall, the shorter, blonder, wiry Chad right up in his face, fists bunched in the collar of Jared’s overall, both of them red-faced and pissed off.

Jensen tried to keep his voice neutral when he said, “Jared? You ready to go?”

Both men snapped their attention away from each other’s faces to Jensen’s at the same time, both utterly shocked by his sudden appearance. Jared huffed out a relieved breath, but Chad’s face crumpled into a nasty snarling grin. Keeping his eyes on Jensen, he slowly let go of Jared, saying, “Oh I get it now.” He took a step away and turned back to Jared. “I should have known.”

Jared huffed out an exasperated breath. “No, it’s not…he’s…it’s not like that.”

Chad laughed bitterly and wiped a hand across his mouth. “Sure, sure…Jesus, who are you kidding, Jay? When is it not like that with you?!”

Jared’s eyes flashed hot and he took a step forward. “Fuck you, Chad! That’s not fair.”

Chad backed up but his words kept attacking. “No, fuck you, Jay! Or let him do it, until you get bored and then come crawling back to me, like always!”

Jared tensed and seemed to start to raise himself up. Chad and Jensen both saw it, Chad taking another quick step away and Jensen striding forward to take hold of Jared’s bicep.

As soon as Jensen’s fingers wrapped around his arm, Jared looked toward him, with the same rage he was directing to Chad at first but then it softened to deep concern. Jensen looked at him pointedly and said, “Jay. Come on. Let’s just go.”

Chad smirked and straightened his leather jacket, as he opted to walk away, waving a hand back over his shoulder. “Yeah, you go on Jay. I’ll see you later. When your fucktoy is all fucked out.”

Jared’s jaw clenched and he moved as if to go after him, but it didn’t take much resistance from Jensen to stop him. Jensen pulled Jared by the arm until they rounded the corner of the building. Jared collapsed back against the brickwork and covered his face with his hands.

Jensen wiped nervously at his mouth and then shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the adrenaline-induced tremor in them. “So. That was Chad, huh? He seems nice.”

Jared pulled his hands down his face and looked at Jensen, all the tension drained out of him and just looking so terrified. “I’m so sorry Jen. He can be such an asshole. I didn’t think he’d just turn up like that. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to think…”

Jensen held up his hands and walked to Jared, shaking his head. “No, no, no. Not your fault. Not your responsibility. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever been called a fucktoy before. I’m assuming it’s a compliment?”

Jared huffed out a laugh and bent forwards, resting his hands on his thighs and shaking his head. “Well, I guess that kinda depends on your point of view. I am really sorry, man. I really thought that he would be okay with this.”

Jensen found himself with a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Sometimes people need us to stay the same to validate who they are."

Really, what he wanted to say was, I could do that, if you wanted, be whatever you wanted, do whatever you wanted, fall to my knees or throw my arms around your shoulders and hold you tight and never let go. But then Jared was standing up and the moment was over.
"I really thought this time he would support me, y’know? Would want me to get my life together.” Jared scuffed his boots on the dusty sidewalk as they started to walk. "We've been friends such a long time. I don't understand why he wouldn't want me to be happy?"

Jensen shrugged. "No one can say that for sure but Chad. And I bet he's not 100% clear on why he's doing it either. Maybe because you say your old life made you unhappy and you don’t want that life anymore but he considers himself a big part of that life and thinks that he’s been making you unhappy and you’re rejecting him...I don’t know. He'll come around."

Jared laughed and it was bitter edged. "I'm not holding my breath for that. Chad is stubborn as they come." And the way his body hung, Jensen figured he didn't really feel like talking anymore, so they walked in silence, shoulder to shoulder.

But Jensen’s brain kept itching and after walking in silence for a few minutes, he couldn’t help but ask, “What Chad said about…were you guys…y’know…?”

Jared looked at him, barely able to contain his laughter. “Oh my God, are you asking me if me and Chad were a couple?” Jensen couldn’t look at him but nodded.

Jared laughed so hard he doubled up and had to stop walking. Jensen stared at him and glanced around, hoping that no-one was looking. Eventually Jared managed to straighten up, using Jensen’s shoulder to balance as they started walking again. “Oh God no! No, no. Strictly friends. Sure, he propositioned me a couple of times when he was drunk but personally I think blowing a straight guy just ‘cause he bought you a couple of beers is not worth the fallout when they sober up…plus there’s no way he’d ever return the favour…”

Jensen just kept walking, trying to concentrate. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Trying not to think about Jared dropping to his knees, Jared’s wet lips on him, sucking down around him or pushing his face against Jared’s crotch, nuzzling the hard shape under his fly until he could lick his bare skin and find out what he tasted like; and the fact that such a thing didn’t just exist in his fantasy. Well, it did but he felt like it wasn’t something completely unobtainable anymore.

Jared stopped and turned Jensen to look at him. Jensen realized he’d been speaking but he hadn’t heard a word. Jared looked stricken and Jensen came back to himself and clutched at Jared’s arm. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I totally zoned out...What…I wasn’t…Jay? What is it?”

“I thought you knew.” Jared breathed out the words so that they hardly made a sound. “I thought Gen would have…Oh God I thought you knew.” His face was ashen and he seemed to be withdrawing from Jensen even though he was hardly moving.

But Jensen grabbed at the cuff of his overall and gripped him tight. “She didn’t but…Jay, it’s fine. More than fine. Why would it matter?”

Jared shook his head. “It does…to some people it really does.”

Jensen smiled with what he hoped was reassurance and not the pounding passion he was feeling in his chest. “Well, I’m not some people am I? Come on, we’ve just got enough time to eat if we hustle. I’ll even let you sit at the same table with me.” He slapped Jared on the shoulder and started to walk away.

Jared shook his head but smiled. “Dude. Not funny.”

Jensen looked back over his shoulder and nodded. “I know! I’m starving. Hurry up.”

Chapter Nine--- Masterpost --- Chapter Eleven

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

That evening Jensen was relieved when Jared didn't make it home from work until all of the serious cooking was done. Jensen heard the front door slam just as he lifted the last piece of chicken off the grill. Thankfully it reached the safety of its companions on the plate before his hand started shaking enough that he couldn’t hold it.

He’d been dreading this moment all afternoon.

~•~

After the meeting Jared had gone back to the garage, and Jensen and Ty had talked for so long at the diner that they’d had to order a dessert neither of them had really wanted, just to keep the waitress from scowling at them. Jensen had poked at the slice of pie until Ty had managed to persuade him not to freak out, that everything was okay and that if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Jared that he should just go for it and stop second guessing himself. He had also pointed out that regardless of whether he went for it or not, that he had to think of Genevieve, as even if their relationship was casual, it was totally unfair to her to keep stringing her along.

In turn, Jensen had persuaded Ty that he was not going to fall off the wagon, that he would in all likelihood be leaving in a matter of weeks anyway and that him leaving town seemed like the best way to let Genevieve down gently, with the added bonus of giving him time to figure out if the way he felt about Jared was more than an insane crush. Except that Ty had called him an idiot about that last part.

Either way, Jensen had decided to get the ball rolling on his exit strategy at dinner. He had promised to cook and had arrived early laden with bags. Genevieve was working a night shift so hadn't long woken up when he arrived. He’d made her coffee and broken the news while he washed the salad. She was surprised and a little sad initially but the more they talked about it, the more she seemed genuinely excited for him.

She sat and watched him chopping sweet potatoes, asking pertinent questions about Matt and college and what the new job involved. Her being so sweet and so supportive only served to amplify in his mind what an absolute a-hole he was, standing there, smiling at her, pretending to listen to her chatter when she decided she was awake enough to help out and started chopping tomatoes. The guilt was suffocating; having to keep up the charade when every fiber in Jensen's body yearned for Jared, wanted to smell him, taste him but most of all needing to be in the same room as him to try and glimpse if what Ty said was true. That Jared wanted him too.

~•~

Jensen dropped the plate of chicken down roughly on the table amongst the salad and sweet potato wedges and warm bread rolls and the rest of the food, as Jared walked in. He looked tired, his hair mussed and slightly dank, sweat patches staining his tee-shirt, his face trying to smile but only just managing it. He made a beeline for Jensen, flinging his arms out in their usual greeting and Jensen went to him, asking, “Hey man, you okay?”

Jared wrapped his long arms around him and nodded. “Yeah, long day.”

It could have been a hug like any other except that Jensen, who would normally hug Jared close and pat him on the back in a friendly fashion, didn’t. He pulled Jared close and kept pulling, holding him, taking a deep breath of sweat and oil and Jared, feeling the hard muscle up against him, his huge frame around him, letting his own hands spread wide on Jared’s back. And Jared let him do it, sinking into him, relaxing like he could finally let go, like he was home.

It wasn’t a long hug, Jared gently pulled back when he heard Genevieve coming down the hall and Jensen let him go. Jared smiled at him, full and soft as he pulled away, his eyes darting to Jensen’s lips and he looked at him questioningly when Jensen let out a breathy laugh, so surprised by the realization that maybe, just maybe Ty had been right. Jared stepped back and slumped down into one of the dining chairs, not taking his eyes off Jensen as he went.

“Oh no, you don’t!” Genevieve came up behind him and slapped him playfully on the back of the head, “Go upstairs and take your filthy work stuff off. We’re celebrating and I don’t want you stinking up the place!”

Jensen felt his heart drop. He knew he’d have to tell him. It was the plan after all, but Genevieve had kind of preempted the gentle segue way he had mapped out in his head.

Jared looked questioningly at her and asked, “Celebrating what?”

Genevieve grinned. “Jensen’s new job!”

Jared looked at Jensen and beamed at him. “Oh that’s great!”

Jensen felt the knot in his chest growing. He swallowed and mumbled out, “Yeah, well, I haven’t actually got it yet.”

He went through the same explanation he’d given Genevieve about Matt and his company and the great opportunity. Jared had nodded knowingly when Jensen told him about the interview he’d had, which was really a Skype call with Matt and his business partner, Richard and how it had gone really well and they’d asked him to come in for an interview next week. And Jared had grinned at him the whole way through, and the way his eyes were flooded black by his huge pupils made Jensen stumble over his words, he was smiling so much.

“And now tell him the crap bit,” Genevieve interrupted, taking a swig from her water bottle. She was leant up against the kitchen counter watching Jensen and smiling proudly.

Jensen swallowed and opened his mouth but nothing came out. The look on his face must have been less than reassuring as Jared stopped smiling and said, “What?”

Jensen tried again but Genevieve got there first. “It’s in Austin.”

Jared looked like she had slapped him. He looked wide-eyed at Jensen and struggled to get the words out. “What? You’re moving? To Austin?”

Jensen tried to sound casual, like everything was fine, like it didn’t really matter one way or another. “Well, I don’t have the job yet, nothing’s been decided and even if I get it, it’s not that far away.”

Genevieve, pushed up off the kitchen counter and went to the fridge saying, “Well, it’s far enough that we need to start making the most of the time you have left. And even if we didn't, I need to leave for work in a couple of hours so please take a shower already, Jay. I’m starving!”

~•~

Genevieve had offered to drive Jensen home on her way to work but he told her he needed to walk off all that food, and she’d shrugged and let him go. He felt like it was the first truthful thing he’d said to her all night.

As he wandered the few blocks back to his house his mind went over and over each detail of the evening, or rather each detail of Jared. He knew hyper-analyzing was not something he should allow himself to do but he couldn’t help it.

The way Jared’s pupils expanded so wide at the sight of him when he came in. The way he leant so far into him when they hugged, uninhibited and warm. The feel of Jared’s hands on him, the way the tips of his fingers applied that extra bit of pressure that was more than just friendly. The way his smile dimpled his cheeks. The sensation on his skin, when Jared’s eyes had flicked down to look at his mouth. The way Jared oriented his body towards him, every part of him pointing straight towards Jensen when he sat in the chair.

The look of utter shock on Jared’s face, when Genevieve told him about Austin. The way sadness seemed to morph seamlessly into betrayal the more Jensen tried to play it down and make light of it. The way his skin was scrubbed pink and his hair was slicked back wet when he came back down from his shower. The way he wouldn’t meet Jensen’s eyes. His quietness through dinner. The way he picked at his food and seemed to hardly eat anything. The fact that he turned in for bed early, saying how tired he was. The way he glanced up at Jensen as he mounted the stairs and Jensen could see the slight pink around his dark eyes and paleness of his skin like he was trying not to cry. The hurt in that look.

And all Jensen could think was, I did that. He felt like an asshole. He had wanted some sign that Jared had feelings for him and he had got it. Jensen wasn’t sure what he wanted from Jared, couldn’t imagine how he was going to deal with his feelings for him, had only thought about cutting himself off from Genevieve, from him, and wallowing in their unrequited agony.

But he hadn’t counted on Jared feeling anything for him or that Jared could be hurt by all of this.

Jensen walked up to the darkened house, relieved that his mother was away at some conference. The last thing he wanted tonight was to have to pretend to be cheerful or talk about his evening. He was looking forward to a hot shower, falling into bed and hoping that sleep took him quickly so he wouldn’t have to think about that look of hurt and betrayal on Jared’s face until tomorrow.

He managed to get most of the way through the door before he felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket. He yanked the key from the lock, slammed the door shut and leant back up against it in the dark as he wrestled his cell from his jeans.

His stomach flipped when he saw Jared’s name on the screen but he didn’t hesitate to swipe his thumb over the accept button and lift it to his ear.

“Hey.” The line was silent except for Jared’s shuddering breath at the other end. Jensen ran his fingers over the line of his brow. “Jared? Are you okay?”

It was a stupid question and Jared huffed out a laugh in response. “No. No I’m really not.”

Jensen wanted to ask what’s up? like he didn’t have a clue. But then it seemed ridiculous that he should be having such an influence on Jared, that he should be so self important to believe that this was his entire fault. He opened his mouth to speak but Jared got there first. “I really need a drink.”

“No. No, Jay you don’t! Come on man, just think about this…”

“Can I…can I come over?” Jared’s voice was so quiet Jensen almost didn’t catch what he said and even then he couldn’t make his brain make a coherent thought in time to reply before Jared pleaded, “Please, Jen. I’m scared to be on my own.”

Jensen swallowed. He remembered that feeling and the ghost of it flashed through him in sympathy. He breathed out hard and croaked, “Of course. Of course you can. I’ll make some coffee.”

He recited some directions, it wasn’t exactly a complex journey, one right and a left and then hung up. He stood there in the dark with his face in his hands and tried to quell the feeling in his stomach. For a second he considered calling Ty. Jared wasn’t the only one that needed a drink now but instead he dumped his jacket on the hall chair and headed for the kitchen.

Chapter Ten--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twelve

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Jensen pulled two coffee mugs out of the kitchen cupboard and set them next to the coffee machine just as the doorbell rang. The noise made his stomach feel like it was trying to claw its way out through his skin. It made him stop to catch his breath and he had to close his eyes to center himself before he could even try to move.

As he approached the door, he could see Jared through the patterned glass panel near the top, the tips of his hair illuminated by the porch light and whatever his stomach did this time sent pins and needles sparking down his arms and legs and he suddenly felt terrified.

As he put his hand out to release the catch, he tried to remind himself that Jared needed him, needed him to help and that feeling guilty wasn’t going to do that. Jensen was trying to do the right thing and if him thinking about leaving had upset Jared, then he knew Jared would come around and see the sense in it eventually. He’d realize it was for the best.

When Jensen pulled open the door, Jared had taken a few steps away, like he had changed his mind and decided to leave. He turned and looked sheepishly at Jensen, hands pressed deep into the pockets of his jeans, his shoulders pulling in as if to try to make him look small. His face looked haggard and pale but his eyes were sharp and wet, hard with sadness. Jensen could barely look at him, the guilt gripping his chest hard like a fist. He didn’t speak, didn’t trust his voice enough to even want to try it. He simply held the door open and turned his body sideways and Jared passed right in, squeezing through but giving Jensen his back as he did.

Jared followed along silently as Jensen led him into the kitchen. Neither of them spoke. Jensen went to the counter and poured the coffee, while Jared unzipped his jacket and hung it on the back of one of the tall chairs at the kitchen island in the center of the room. When Jensen turned to place the mug in front of him Jared was leant up against the island, glaring at him, the doubt and reluctance shucked off with his coat.

“How long have you known?”

Jensen looked at him. Jared’s face was steely, looking at him with raised eyebrows to emphasize the question. The question was not what he had expected. Jensen opened his mouth but his brain was drawing a blank so nothing came out.

“About the job. How long, Jensen?”

Jensen shrugged and sighed out, “A few months.”

Jared huffed out a derisory laugh and pushed himself away from the countertop. There was something about it, something about the way he turned his back on Jensen again, the way he looked to the heavens and covered his mouth, like Jensen had done this on purpose.

Suddenly the guilt melted away and Jensen just felt pissed and didn’t hold back when he thumped his coffee down on the counter in front of him, hot black slopping over the clean white surface. “Oh my God, is this what this is about? The fact that I didn’t tell you about it sooner? Hell, there was nothing to tell! I’d been talking to Matt about this for weeks before I even met you! And it’s still not settled. He wants me to do it, sure, and I sure as hell want to go but there are a million reasons why it might not work out…”

“And what about Gen? Did you think about her in all of this?” Jared’s face was stony but his voice sounded less sure and his jaw tensed.

It was Jensen’s turn to bark out a laugh. “You are joking! We’ve been dating less than three months and you think I should give up my chance at my dream job for a girl who only wants to see me as long as we keep it casual? Jesus, Jared, I know she’s your sister and all but we’re barely more than friends…we haven’t even slept together…and you expect me to drop everything for her?”

Jared’s face fell. He looked utterly surprised. He clenched his eyes tightly shut and shook his head, “Wait. I thought…”

But Jensen didn’t let him finish. “And I know I shouldn’t go off at you when you’re struggling, but what the hell?! You come in here and get into stuff which is frankly, none of your fucking business!”

“Well, it is my business if you’re just going to leave me high and dry! What am I supposed to do when you leave?”

Jensen reared up at that and stalked around to Jared’s side of the counter, his finger outstretched and accusing. “No! No No! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to put that all on me! You were the one who wanted to quit drinking! You want to go back to school, get your life back together. Don’t you dare make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing for myself!”
Jared took a step back and Jensen tried to stem the flow of his anger and frustration, and said more gently, “And you’ll be fine. You need a sponsor, one that’s not me, whether I’m here or not. And I’ll only be a phone call away…”

Jared shook his head and pressed his lips together. His face flushed red and he looked like he might cry. When he spoke, the words croaked out, half broken, “No. I don’t want that. It’s not the same. I want…”

The words died in his throat and Jensen looked at him, the giant, slightly crumbling, man in front of him and felt like his heart might break. He wanted to reach out and grab him and hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright but instead he just stood and asked the question with a shake of his head and a shrug what do you want?

And then suddenly Jared was lurching towards him, a look of terror on his pale face. He reached out both hands and grabbed Jensen’s jawline, wrapping his fingers over Jensen’s ears and pulled him forward. It wasn’t so much a kiss as Jared smashing his mouth onto Jensen’s. It was all teeth in flesh and desperation and their eyes locking, staring at each other in pain and surprise as it happened but Jensen didn’t try and pull away, even when he felt Jared’s vice-like grip release.

Jared slowly drew back, his face pulled tight in the horror of what he’d done. Jensen stood frozen, his eyebrows raised and eyes wide with surprise. He wanted to speak but wasn’t sure how he could even begin to address what had just happened. He could see blood smeared on Jared’s bottom lip and suspected it was his own.

Jared raised his fingers to his lips. He stared for a second longer and then blurted out, “Oh God! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He grabbed his jacket from the chair, sending it crashing to the floor, and headed for the door.

It took a second for Jensen to realize what was happening and then he surged forward, closing the gap, grabbing Jared’s arm from behind and spinning him round so that his back hit the wall before he could make it out of the kitchen.

Jensen crowded into him. Jared looked confused and his eyes were wet, no longer able to keep the tears at bay.

Jensen had a very clear thought: This is it. This is the line, the point of no return. Once we cross it, there’s no going back.

Jensen wrapped his fingers into the neckline of Jared’s tee-shirt and stretching up, pressed his mouth softly to Jared’s lips. The kiss would have been chaste if it weren’t for Jensen’s hard cock digging into Jared’s thigh and Jared’s responding in kind, discernibly thickening, Jensen feeling the shape of it getting firmer and longer through the layers of fabric between them.

Jensen moved slowly back, rocking away on his heels, opening his eyes in time to see Jared do the same, his cheeks dusted pink. Jensen let his tongue run out over the slight stinging crack in his lip, lapping at the moisture from Jared’s mouth left there, his eyes looking straight into Jared’s and he whispered, “Is this it? Is this what you want? Because I want you. Never wanted anything more in my life. God help me, I don’t know why but I want you. I want you…”

Jared let out a stifled sound from his throat and then moved forward.
He reached out and took hold of Jensen again, one hand cupping his face, the other on his neck, pulling him in, pressing their mouths together but this time it was all fleshy tongues and lips and sucking.

Jared ravaged his mouth, the force of it pushing Jensen back, his hands pushing up and under Jared’s tee-shirt as he moved, running his fingers over Jared’s smooth skin, feeling the muscles flex and tighten and he walked backward, letting Jared move him, push into him with his tongue, letting Jared crowd him back up against the opposite wall.

Jared pressed into him, the whole line of his body flush against Jensen. When Jared took his mouth away from Jensen’s and started sucking down his throat, Jensen’s cock twitched so violently, painfully in his jeans that he cried out.

Jared must have felt it, as his hands slid down the front of Jensen’s body to his button fly and quickly pulled it open, dragging Jensen’s hard-on free and wrapping his hand around it. Jensen gasped for air as the sensation knocked the breath out of him. He ran his hands around the waist band of Jared’s jeans and pushed his fingers down into his briefs, running them through the thick sheen of pre-come coating the fabric and took hold of Jared’s heavy, hot cock.

Jared groaned and used his free hand to undo his own jeans and Jensen pulled his dick out and started pumping it hard in time with the rough strokes that Jared was using on him. Jared reached his hand up and pulled Jensen’s mouth to him, licking and biting at his lips through a litany of Oh God's and Oh Jensen's getting louder and louder, Jensen’s breathing ragged and harsh, his orgasm building, building, until he came, shooting up over his shirt, over Jared’s wrist, his knees buckling with the force of it and Jared keening loud, his teeth pressed against Jensen’s cheek seconds later, as he shot his load, covering his stomach and Jensen’s in hot white.

They rested against each other panting, bracing each other upright for a moment, their heads resting against each other’s shoulders, sticky hands cupping each other’s softening cocks, until Jared moved. He slid his wet hand around Jensen’s waist and pulled him in close, burying his head in Jensen’s neck. He took a deep breath and his shoulders shook slightly as it juddered out of him. Jensen pressed his eyes closed and prayed that any tears weren’t from regret. He pulled Jared close, ran a hand through his hair, and whispered, “Stay with me?”

Jared pulled his head up slowly and with closed eyes kissed Jensen so softly that Jensen could hardly believe it was the same Jared. When he broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against Jensen’s and nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Chapter Eleven--- Masterpost --- Chapter Thirteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

When Jensen opened his eyes the next morning, it was to the familiar sight of the shadow of the tree outside his room dancing on the closed curtains of his room as they wafted in the breeze. The bright light like a laser pointer burning his retinas through the gap in between, told him it was later in the morning than he normally woke and for a moment he could have sworn that he’d had the most vivid dream. But then he registered the way the mattress dipped behind him and slowly turned.

Jared lay face down, arms buried beneath the pillow, his face turned away so all Jensen could see was his messy mop of hair pooled above his muscular shoulder, the curve of his naked back disappearing below the covers. Jensen rubbed the sleep from his eyes and the gunk from the corners of his mouth but could not tear his gaze away from staring at Jared, the shape of him under the sheet, the smell of him - of them - in Jensen’s bed.


Jensen had thought about it, had thought about Jared and being with Jared but nothing had quite prepared him for last night.

When Jared had showed up, he had felt so awful about the way things were turning out, about using the job offer from Matt to try and get away from the God-awful situation that he’d put himself in, dating Genevieve but falling for her brother. Because he had fallen.

Things couldn’t have gotten more complicated. But when he lost it with Jared, so angry that he couldn’t hold his tongue, somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if he hoped it would push Jared away, make him leave so he would be off the hook, all temptation lost and gone.

And then Jared had kissed him.

And then he had kissed Jared.

And then Jared was in his arms, in his bed, in his mouth and the whole night was a blur of tasting every inch of skin covering Jared’s body, running his hands over him, pressing his fingers into his flesh to pull him deeper, having Jared cover him with his heavy body, sweat dripping down, coating them both, slicking the way so they could rock and slide and come over and over, feeling like he couldn’t take any more but needing more, needing Jared, the raging heat of him, his mouth on him, the way he whispered all the filthy, wonderful things he wanted to do to Jensen into his skin. And it was everything he never knew he wanted.

Lying there, watching Jared sleep, watching the total lack of tension in his muscles, the way his chest rose and fell with the quiet sounds of his breath, Jensen prayed hard that he hadn’t made a mistake because this felt so right.


Jared took a deep breath and sighed it out, scrubbing his face on the pillow as he turned to face Jensen. One bleary eye opened and peered through the bangs hanging over it and Jared smiled. Jensen felt it catch on his own mouth and he beamed back. “’Morning.”

Jared sighed again and croaked, “Morning, yourself.”

Jensen reached out and tried to free Jared’s face from his hair, one bang at a time. Jared had other plans though and stretched an arm out across Jensen’s chest, pulling him in as he pushed forward and buried his head in Jensen’s neck, growling and nipping at his skin.

Jensen laughed and threw his arms around Jared’s back, running his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. “Oh my God, you’ve been awake less than thirty seconds! You seriously wanna go again?”

He felt Jared chuckle against him and run his hand down the side of his body until it came to rest on his crotch and found Jensen’s treacherous cock which had started filling the moment Jared had opened his eyes. “Well, seems like you sure as hell do.”

Jensen kissed the top of Jared’s head. “No way. You’ve got to let me shower. I feel disgusting.”

He hissed as Jared stroked his seriously over-sensitive dick. Jared looked up at him and smiled, his eyes wicked and sparkling. “Oh I’m sorry, Baby. Is that too much? Let me kiss it better for you.”

Jensen tried half-heartedly to protest but when Jared’s soothing tongue ran over the head of his cock, the words just didn’t seem all that important anymore. He tried to form them in his mind as Jared coated his dick with spit, gently suckling at the tip and mouthing along its length. But by the time his head hit the back of Jared’s throat and Jared swallowed around him, he’d forgotten that he’d been speaking altogether.

~•~

As Jared had finished up in the shower, Jensen toasted bagels and set out every possible topping he could find, along with fruit, orange juice and a plate of crispy bacon. Jensen was pouring coffee when Jared finally made an appearance in the kitchen and damn near dropped the pot when he walked in. They’d been apart for about fifteen minutes and Jensen had somehow forgotten how fucking beautiful Jared was. His hair was slicked back wet so his whole face was visible for a change, and the tee-shirt that was baggy on Jensen pulled tight across Jared’s chest, showing off every curve and ridge that Jensen had spent the night exploring. Thankfully, Jared’s jeans had survived unsoiled, as Jensen really didn’t want to try to squeeze Jared into a pair of his.

Jared raised his eyebrows at all the food laid out on the island. “Oh God, you shouldn’t…you really didn’t have to do all this, Jen.”

Jensen shrugged and pushed the mug of coffee into his hand. “It’s just breakfast. Aren’t you hungry?”

Jared looked at him like he was an idiot. “After last night I think I may need to eat half a grocery store to get back the calories.”

Jared blushed a little when he’d said it but Jensen just smiled and waved him down onto one of the high stools at the counter, saying, “Well, let’s start with this and see how we go from there.”

Jared sat and glanced around before taking a bagel and spreading it with peanut butter, trying to sound casual as he asked, “So where’s your mom?”

Jensen snickered, trying to wrestle a couple of clean glasses from the dishwasher. “Don’t worry. She’s not hold up in her room with a pillow over each ear or anything. There was some conference. For work. She’ll be back tomorrow night.”

Jared sighed out a laugh. “Thank God. I wasn’t sure what flowers to buy that say ‘Sorry for having really loud sex with your son all night!’”

Jensen laughed. “Well, we should figure that out pretty soon and hope that it covers neighbors too. I didn’t shut my bedroom window. I think they’re forming a support group as we speak.”

Jared groaned and covered his face with his hands. Jensen sat on the stool next to him and bumped him with his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just tell them I was watching a horror movie or something.”

Jared peeked out from between his fingers. “I’m not sure that’s entirely complimentary.”

Jensen smiled and leant into him. He pushed Jared’s hands away from his face and said quietly, “Oh it is. It really is,” before leaning further and kissing Jared’s mouth until they were both smiling.

They managed to eat and make out, and completely avoid the reality of the situation until all the food was gone and Jared started to clear the dishes away.

Jensen sat and watched him, nursing the dregs in his coffee mug for a few long minutes before saying, “I’m going to talk to Gen today. I don’t know what to say but I know I have to say something. Maybe I should just tell her I met someone else–”

“Oh God, don’t do that!” Jared interrupted. Jensen was surprised by the force of his voice. Jared leant heavily on the counter and wiped a hand over his mouth, before turning to Jensen, and in a steadier tone said, “Really, don’t do that. There’s stuff that she really can’t deal with and cheating…she won’t cope with it well. Our family history…well, you know how messed up it is and…. It’s just…even if you forget all the stuff that happened with our dad, she had really bad luck with guys and Gen grew up with mom telling her that men are lying, cheating assholes and shouldn’t be trusted…”

Their eyes met and neither of them could deny the truth of what they had done or hold each other’s gaze for long.

“I just think telling her that…I don’t think it’s the best thing to do…”

His voice trailed away and his face said what they were both thinking. That there was no ‘best thing’ to do. It was a mess, a total fucking mess and that they were just delaying the inevitable.

“Okay,” Jensen said, “I’ll tell her that I need to take a step back, being that I’m going to have to be ready to move and get oriented in the job if I get it…”

Jared stared at him blankly.

Jensen felt a hole open up in his chest and blurted out, “Last night…you…I want you. I’ve wanted you…so badly…but it doesn’t change…this opportunity…I can’t say no if they offer it to me, Jay. I just can’t.”

Jared nodded and it made the hole in Jensen’s chest grow wider, especially when he smiled weakly and said, “I understand. I do. I’ll just have to make the most of you ‘til then.”

They remained in silence for what felt like an eternity, Jensen studiously swirling the coffee dregs in his mug and Jared with his back to him, looking out across the garden, watching the light breeze bustle through the scorched leaves in the trees, until he said, “I want to go to the meeting. Can we go?”

Jensen walked to him and unceremoniously pulled him down by the neck, kissing him deep and desperate, before wrapping his arms around him. Jared leant into him and pulled him close, as Jensen said, “Yes. Of course. Yes.”

Chapter Twelve--- Masterpost --- Chapter Fourteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

The next week passed by in a blur.

Talking to Genevieve was as hard as Jensen had imagined it was going to be. He kept his voice flat and calm, and didn't stumble over his words but his gut was churning with every word. She didn’t scream or throw stuff but Jensen could see her physically harden from the inside out as he spoke. He didn’t want to hurt her but he knew even the gentlest of let downs was always going to sting. She let him hug her as he was leaving but her body was stiff and cold.

He went straight to the garage looking for sympathy and to tell Jared how fucking terrible he felt. Ten minutes later Jared was on his knees, being very sympathetic, noisily sucking his cock in the employee bathroom, Jensen having to smother his mouth in the crook of his elbow as he came down Jared’s throat. He left with the tang of his own come on his lips, wracked with guilt but convinced that things actually could have gone worse.

Ty made a couple of comments that made Jensen think that maybe he should confess what had happened but he would just say that he and Jared were 'working it out' and then change the subject. Jared was adamant that he didn’t want anyone to know, just in case it somehow got back to his sister.

Jensen pointed out the irony of that as they lay naked in Jared’s bed, sweat soaked and biting at each other’s necks and chests while they took turns using their hands to stroke each other to completion yet again that night. He smeared the splatters of come across Jared’s hard stomach with his palm before leaning down to lick the flat of his tongue over the golden skin, making Jared stutter and stumble over his words as he tried to explain that she wasn’t all that observant when she was on night shift.

“It stinks of us in here, Jared.”

“I’ll open a window. I wanna put my fingers inside you, Jen. Can I? Will you let me?”

“I haven’t…I mean I’ve never…”

“Don’t worry. Trust me, it feels good. And I’ll go so slow...you’ll be begging me to fuck you.”

Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared but Jared just smiled that wicked smile and pulled Jensen close, kissing him deep and dirty. And he was right. An hour later, Jensen was pleading with Jared to put his dick in him, practically sobbing it as Jared licked around where his fingers disappeared inside him. Jared didn’t but he made sure that Jensen would be thinking about it until he did.

Mostly Jensen’s days were spent trying to prepare for his interview. The job wasn’t very different than anything that he’d done before but he felt like he’d been out of the loop since moving back home, subsisting on his freelance tech support jobs. Jensen wanted to be sure that he was fully up to date with all the latest systems, and the communications package that Matt had mentioned they used was new to him so he wanted to familiarize himself with that. Or at least be prepared enough to bluff his way through any questions until he had time to properly understand it.

It probably shouldn’t have been taking him so study the information Matt had emailed him but whenever he settled down to work, his cell would flash yet another text from Jared and as much as he tried, he couldn’t ignore it. And before he knew it the doorbell would sound and he would have to pound down the stairs to get to the door before his mother, trying to smuggling six foot five of muscle on steel toed boots up to his room without her noticing, Jared pinning him up against the door as soon as it shut, the pair of them clutching at each other, fisting handfuls of jacket and shirt and hair, rutting hard and desperate, foreheads pressed together and eyes tightly closed, panting into each others mouths, kissing hard to stifle the groans as they came, soaking dark patches into their jeans.

Then the long moments after, sitting on Jensen’s bed, making out like teenagers slow and gentle, hands creeping up under fabric to pinch nipples and cup shoulder blades, until they finally dried off enough that Jared could leave the building.

By the time the interview rolled around, Jensen was trying not to admit to himself that he was thinking of ways to cut his trip short. He was only going to be gone two nights but everything below his neck revolted at the idea of being away from Jared for that long. Everything above it wasn’t that keen either.

He set off after breakfast. The drive was long but he stopped a couple of times for coffee to keep his concentration up and just let the landscape pass him by. He arrived at the hotel in Austin and once he had checked-in and grabbed a late lunch, he headed back to his room to call Jared.

The phone only rang twice before Jared picked up. Jensen couldn’t help himself and asked, “What are you wearing?”

He could hear the smirk in Jared’s voice. “I’m completely naked.”
The sound of the radio playing in the background was momentarily obliterated by the buzz of a pneumatic torque wrench and a voice yelling out words made indeterminate by distance, as something metallic clattered to the ground.

“Well, I hope Mike’s paying you extra for that.”

“I’d happily pay him to do it today. Air-con is on the fritz again.”

“Ouch. Well, just try not to damage any of your equipment flapping it about near all that pointy stuff. I’m going to be needing it when I get back.”

“And when will that be exactly?”

“About four on Friday, depending on traffic.”

“Not tomorrow then.”

Jensen smiled. Jared was trying to sound off-hand about it but the disappointment in his voice mirrored how Jensen was feeling too. “No. I thought I could swing it but apparently some new finance guy they’re bringing in isn’t getting here until late tomorrow, so Matt has scheduled a breakfast meeting for Friday. Apparently, we have to meet before they can offer me the position. Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon enough. You’ll be sick of the sight of me in no time.”

Jensen expected a glimmer of amusement from the other end of the line but all he could hear was the sound of the workshop. “Jay?”

“Well, I’m glad you got there safe. I better get back to work.”

“Oh…of course. Well, I guess I’ll call you later?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then”

“Jen!”

“Yeah?”

“Give me the name of the hotel so I can get hold of you there if I need to. Y’know, if your cell runs out of charge or something.”

Jensen smiled and recited the name and room number a couple of times when Jared insisted he didn’t need to write it down and then hung up.

He stood in the shower and thought hard about Jared stripping off his overalls in the overheated workshop, the way the beads of sweat would travel down his exposed skin, finding their way to the crack of his ass and the thatch of dark hair around his dick. Jensen came hard, one hand on his cock and the other reaching back, fingers punching up inside him, imagining they were Jared's until his body started to shake and he pulled them out to brace himself under the flow of water as he came into the swirling drain, the ghost of Jared on his tongue.

After, he lay on the stiff white sheets of the hotel bed and thought long and hard about the void that followed him around whenever Jared wasn’t there, filling it with his smile and his touch and his clever words and mouth, and wondered if this could be more than a stupid crush, a lust driven fling. He remembered the tiny word that had popped into his head when Ty had asked him how he felt about Jared and suddenly felt quite scared about the prospect of being near Jared again. Because if it was that, if it was love, then that could change everything.

He had a couple of hours in the morning to kill before heading over to Matt’s office so he spent them on breakfast in a coffee shop, scanning a local paper for rental properties and taking some time just driving around, trying to get his bearings. Jensen found the office building easily. The company’s rooms were modest but in a good location and set up sparsely but comfortably. The entire workforce, all five of them, had a front seat view when Matt launched himself at Jensen, hugging him so hard he thought he heard something crack and practically carried him back to the space they had set up as a conference room.

Matt had given him the impression that this would be an interview when they spoke on the phone but it was pretty clear that the job was his and they expected him to take it, contingent on tomorrow’s meeting with the other potential new member of the team. Jensen spent most of the day with Matt going through the day to day aspects of the business and reminiscing on their college days. The first meeting with Matt’s business partner, Richard was similarly informal, although with less hugging, and Jensen liked the guy immediately.

By the time he was pulling out his keycard to open his hotel room door, his cheeks were aching from smiling so much. He had a good feeling about the whole situation. It would be a new start for him, the one he’d been waiting for, new town, good job, nice people. All the happy excited thoughts swirling around in his head distracted him enough that it took him a few seconds to notice Jared standing next to his bed when he walked in the door.

When he did he jumped, his hand going to clutch at his chest as his heart went into overdrive, and a rather unmanly sound escaped his throat.

Jared smiled sheepishly and gave a timid wave. “Surprise.” It sounded more like an apology than anything else.

“Fuck! Jared! What the hell are you doing here?!”

Jared’s face fell and he looked horribly embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. I just wanted to surprise you. I didn’t mean to…I’ll go. I’m sorry.” He took a step towards the door but at once Jensen was on him, grabbing his face and kissing him roughly, urgently pressing his body against him, like a drowning man gasping for oxygen.

Jared was stunned for a moment but then wrapped his long arms around Jensen and pulled him close, half dragging, half walking him back towards the bed as Jensen devoured him.

Twenty minutes later, they fell apart onto their backs, their naked skin shimmering with the sheen of sweat and come.

Jared turned on his side to face Jensen and ran his hand over his freckled shoulder, before leaning over and kissing it. “I’m sorry I scared you. I meant it to be a surprise not give you a heart attack.”

Jensen laughed. “Well, I was most certainly surprised!” He turned to look at Jared who was watching him through sweat-wet bangs. “I still can’t believe you came all this way. How did you even get here?”

Jared smiled and shrugged. “Hired a car. Told Gen I was staying at Mike’s. I thought it would be fun and…I wanted to...y’know…” He shifted and looked away, watching his hand trail down over Jensen’s flushed chest and through the slick on his belly.

“Make a grand romantic gesture?” Jensen said, his tone teasing but appreciative.

Jared laughed. “ Well, I was going to say ‘stick my dick in your ass’ but sure, that other thing too.”

Jensen swallowed and shifted round to look at him. “Really? You want to…”

Jared’s hand skimmed over the line of Jensen’s hip, pulling it forward so Jensen was on his side, smoothing back over the round of his ass. His fingers dipped into the crease and rubbed gently along the length of it, making Jensen shudder every time they skimmed his hole. Jared leant forward and nuzzled under Jensen’s jaw, scratching teeth over the skin of his throat and gently murmuring, “I want to. I really want to…” over and over.

Jared, it turned out, hadn’t been entirely joking about coming to Austin to fuck Jensen.

Jensen raised his eyebrows when Jared pulled the lube and condoms from his overnight bag. Jared smiled somewhat abashed but Jensen grinned, pulled him down onto the bed, pulled up his knees and opened his legs.

Jared worked Jensen open. He took his time, slowly at first, letting one finger dip in and out of the ring of muscle so gently, almost like the first time, like they had never done this before. Jared inched gradually in, until he finally reached his second knuckle, then pulling completely out, started the process again adding another finger. He pressed deeper and more, corkscrewing his fingers in and out, varying the depth and speed, kissing the inside of Jensen's thighs, his other hand stroking Jensen’s cock, rolling his balls and telling him how beautiful he was like this and a thousand variations of it until Jensen felt like he might genuinely lose his mind.

And then Jared rolled him over, gently lifting his hips, placing a pillow under them, making sure Jensen was as comfortable and relaxed as possible. And then finally, feeling Jared’s head press and breach him, the sting of it, so intense but gradually fading, Jared slowly moving, inching forward, fraction on fraction until Jensen felt him bottom out. Jared loomed over him, covering Jensen’s body, hips snug against his ass, kissing the back of his neck, panting hard with the effort of trying not to pound straight into him.

“I wish I could see you,” Jensen gasped, “kiss you. I wanna feel you in my mouth too.”

Jared groaned and bent forward. He used one hand to turn Jensen’s head towards him and licked at his mouth, slipping his fingers between Jensen’s lips. Jensen started sucking them, biting down and Jared started to move, slow and shallow at first, getting faster and deeper, Jensen still sucking at his fingers, flicking his tongue between them and groaning. Jared pulled them roughly out and placed the flat of his hand between Jensen’s shoulder blades, bracing himself and fucking him harder, asking breathy, “Yes?” over and over, and only getting oh God and fuckyes and more and Jay in reply, until there was an Oh My God and Jensen’s orgasm exploded out of him. The sensation of Jared pounding him, filling him and the friction of the sheet below pushing him over the edge. And then Jared was coming, twice thrusting too hard into Jensen, making him yelp but then slowly drawing in and out, his cock pulsing until there was nothing left and Jared collapsed down on him.

They both lay there, breathing heavy, limbs heavier, Jared lying slightly to the side of Jensen so as not to crush him, until Jensen’s body started to shake.

“Jensen?” Jared raised himself up. “Are you okay?” He caught the condom as he pulled out of Jensen and quickly dealt with it, as Jensen wasn’t moving, other than his shoulders vibrating as he lay face-down. “Oh God, baby, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry. Jensen? Say something.”

Slowly, Jensen raised himself up slightly and turned. His face was flushed and red and he was giggling like an idiot. “Ow,” he said and started laughing again.

Jared smiled with relief and pushed at his shoulder. “You fuck! I thought I’d really hurt you! Don’t do that!”

Jensen tried to pull himself together but was having trouble keeping the smile off his face. “I’m sorry but you totally just fucked me in the ass! I think I’m allowed an ‘Ow.’”

Jared cupped his face and kissed him. “Oh God, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

He was interrupted by Jensen laughing out, “Don’t be sorry, Jesus! Really. I never thought it could be like that…Oh no...” His face went suddenly serious and Jared’s eyes went wide. “You just totally took my virginity.” He stared at Jared for a split second and then collapsed into another fit of chuckling, face down in the pillow.

Jared smiled, utterly bemused and kissed Jensen hard on the neck. “Come on, you idiot,” he said, rolling off the side of the bed. “Let’s get cleaned up and get some dinner. I’m starving.”

They showered, or rather stood under a stream of water and kissed until their mouths were sore, Jared’s hands drawn uncontrollably to Jensen’s puffy rim, delighting in the way he could just slip inside with no resistance and Jensen moaning every time one of Jared’s fingers dipped inside him. Eventually, though the sound of Jared’s stomach rumbling got louder than the sounds of pleasure coming from their mouths. They were all but dressed, Jared lacing his sneakers as Jensen pulled a black tee-shirt over his head, when there was a knock at the door.

Jensen looked at Jared. “Did you order room service?”

Jared shrugged a ‘no’ and walked over and opened the door as Jensen hurriedly buttoned his jeans.

“Can I help you?”

“Oh I’m sorry, I must have the wrong room.” Jensen’s heart leapt at the familiar voice and stepped forward to look around Jared, who was blocking his view of the door. “Or not!” the voice said.

Jensen smiled sheepishly and walked forward. “Matt. What are you doing here?”

Matt smiled and shook his head. “Don’t you think you should introduce me to your friend first?”

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “Of course, of course, sorry. Jared, this is my probably, new boss, Matt.” He waved his hand between them awkwardly as they shook hands. “Matt, this is my…” He stopped suddenly very aware that he really didn’t know what to say.

Jared and Matt both looked at him, eyebrows raised in anticipation. Then Jensen smiled softly, took a step towards Jared, put a hand on the small of his back and standing close enough to him to make it clear, said, “This is Jared.”

Matt stared at Jensen for a moment, the surprise evident on his face, then took a breath and let it out. He looked up at Jared and smiled, “Very nice to meet you, Jared!” Jared let out the breath he had been holding and smiled with relief. Matt turned back to Jensen and shifted his weight. “Well, if we’re doing surprises…I brought one of my own.”

Jensen stepped slightly away from Jared and smiled, “Hit me.”

Matt huffed out a laugh and muttered, “Yeah that might be a bad choice of words.” He shook his head at Jensen’s questioning look and went on, “So you know the new finance guy we wanted you to meet tomorrow? Well, he arrived early and we thought maybe we could go for a drink, maybe dinner if you haven’t already eaten?”

Jensen furrowed his brow. “Sure, I guess that would be okay but I don’t see why you just didn’t…” Call. He was going to say ‘call’ but then a figure appeared around the doorframe, looking worried but with a veneer of calm over the surface and he thought his heart stopped.

Jensen stared at him for the longest moment. “Chris?”

Chris smiled. “Hey, Jenny. Long time. How are you?”

Jensen huffed out a breath, not quite a laugh, more in relief. “Yeah. Yeah, a long time. I’m good. Really good.” And two seconds later the two men threw their arms around each other in a hearty embrace.

“Also gay, apparently!” Matt said chirpily over their heads and shot a wide smile at Jared who was standing there, not knowing quite what to do with himself.

Chapter Thirteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Fifteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

( “Seriously, I can’t believe you fell for it twice!” )

Chapter Fourteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Sixteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

( Jensen tossed his bag through the open front door into the hall. )

Chapter Fifteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Seventeen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

( Jensen was breathing hard when he pushed open the glass door of the precinct. )

Chapter Sixteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Eighteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

( Jensen didn’t turn around when the door swung open. )

Chapter Seventeen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Nineteen

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

( Jensen’s final week in Lubbock passed quickly. )

Chapter Eighteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

( It didn't take long to stabilize Jared at the house. )

Chapter Nineteen--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty-One

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

( “I wish they had told me you were coming.” )

Chapter Twenty--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty-Two

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

( One year later, and as usual, the sound of Jensen’s key in the door sent 80 pounds of mastiff-cross pounding down the front hall )

Chapter Twenty-One--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty-Three

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three

( Jensen kept saying the words. Repeating them like a mantra. )

Chapter Twenty-Two--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty-Four

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

( Jensen drove back to Austin that night. )

Chapter Twenty-Three--- Masterpost --- Chapter Twenty-Five

I Stumble Forward - Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Five

( There was a hint of light in the sky by the time Jensen put his key in the lock )

Chapter Twenty-Four--- Masterpost --- Epilogue

I Stumble Forward - Epilogue

Epilogue

( The first time Jared had proposed he had gone all out. )

Chapter Twenty-Five--- Masterpost