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alexisjaneThis last two years have been crappy. I've really struggled with my stupid brain box and the subsequent medical and mental interventions. I've not felt like interacting with people and gradually withdrew from life. I haven't really worked in any financially responsible way and I've let my health go to pot.
Really, the only good and constant things in my life have been my two good friends, Lily...and you guys. I am 100% sure that without you all, I would not be here now.
But anyway...
Lately, I have been feeling...better. Like, optimistic about the future. Like really optimistic. Not that I think that nothing is going to go wrong in the future but I feel that right now I can cope with it, that I won't let it knock me down so much that I can't at least deal with it. Which is a big step for me!
I think a big part of that had been getting a diagnosis. After the initial crushing devastation, I really feel like it's helped me turn a corner. It hasn't so much leveled the playing field, rather that it's let me know which playing field I'm actually on. So now if there's a problem, I can apply the rules that work for me, instead of using ones that won't help, no matter how hard I try.
So given that I'm feeling good, and that my life is still a bit of a mess, and that my diary says that this is Week 53, I thought that I'd take this extra week - this pause in time - to straighten out my tiny flat, have a clear out, and get ready for the coming excellent year : )
One of the things I decided to do was to finally get the tattoo I've wanted for the past ten(?) years. I've put it off for such a long time as a) it Japanese script, which is kinda cheesy, b) I wanted it on my forearm, so kinda hard to hide, and c) I found the quote...and subsequently lost it, and couldn't find it again.
Thankfully though...fandom.
The most wonderful
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flameraven found the quote for me, and the sweetest of all sweet things supernutjapan wrote it out and helped me choose a font. Then the lovely Sophie at The Gilded Cage Tattoo Studio (go check out her work, it's A.MA.ZING!) put it in my skin for me : ) I know you probably want to know what it says. Unfortunately it's pretty boring. However...in the context of the story - it a quote from Full Metal Alchemist - it means a lot to me. I wanted it some where that I could always see it, to remind me to act. No matter what happens, to get up and do something, and keep moving forward. Because in the end, that's all any of us can do, I guess. I just need reminding sometimes.
And if I shoved a triskelion in there because...Sterek...well, who's to know : )
Anyway...it's looking pretty dark and angry right now, but it's going to settle down into light sepia eventually. It's weird how I feel like I was walking around with something missing for so long, and now I'm complete. It's a nice way to start the new year : )
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Date: 2015-12-30 06:55 pm (UTC)Diagnosis and playing field - so apt. It's the floundering that is so horrible, because you don't even know what the fuck ocean you are floundering in. While my diagnosis surprised the heck out of me, at the same time I thought well, now we can start to do something properly about it. I hope that works that way for you *HUGS*
to get up and do something, and keep moving forward
Like a shark, bb :-) I've told myself that a lot too.
I'm so glad you have some new hope and optimism. *HUGS AGAIN!!*
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Date: 2015-12-30 09:54 pm (UTC)Yes, you're so right about the floundering. I've tried for so long to tackle the depression and it's just not gotten any better, but now I at least feel like there's a chance for things to improve. Just that little bit of hope is really motivating : )
Haha, yeah I guess it is like that...shark or Dory... "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" : )
I'm really hoping this next year is going to be better or all of us *squishes you tight!* xxx
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Date: 2015-12-30 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-30 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-30 07:59 pm (UTC)and i'm glad you're feeling better and more positive about life in general. i know it's hard to sometimes, especially if you're diagnosed with something (trust me... i know... sigh). but it does help to have a diagnosis to refer to in case life seems a bit chaotic and know what works for you. *hugs*
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Date: 2015-12-30 09:59 pm (UTC)I feel a little bit like I'm allowed to feel better now. Plus the diagnosis means I can stop banging my head against the wall trying to get the usual things to work, and try something else instead : )
I'm hoping the New Year is going to bring good things for all of us this year : ) xx
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Date: 2015-12-30 11:19 pm (UTC)diagnoses are always welcome for just that reason... you know you have a whole different set of skills to apply.
this New Year is going to be awesome! i have faith!
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Date: 2015-12-30 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-30 10:01 pm (UTC)I really hope the new year is going to be good for all of us : ) *more hugs!* xxx
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Date: 2015-12-30 09:00 pm (UTC)And I know it's better to get a diagnosis to know what game you're playing and where! I have three kids with diagnoses.
Ii makes me so happy to see that you are looking hopeful at the future! To know that you'll be able to cope when something hits you. (But I sincerely hope that won't happen!)
Love and lots of hugs!
<3
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Date: 2015-12-30 10:04 pm (UTC)I can't imagine what it might have been like for you dealing with your three without a diagnosis! I sounds like you're all doing pretty well though : )
I do feel surprisingly good. That's partly what today was about, drawing a line under the last few years and having a place to move on from. I'm trying not to anticipate a huge disaster around the corner though (fingers crossed : )
Lots and love and hugs to you too!! xxx
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Date: 2015-12-30 09:14 pm (UTC)2016! HERE SHE COMES :D
Okay, and now? What does it say?
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Date: 2015-12-30 10:09 pm (UTC)I figured I'd waited long enough and it's part of my fresh start : )
Okay...well it says...
actually...why don't you send me your idea for your BB and then I tell you : D Doesn't have to be long or anything, just the basic idea to see if it's changed from the last time we talked about it.
*hands you mince pie and your writing cape, shoves you at the keyboard*
<3<3<3 xxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 04:52 am (UTC):P
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Date: 2016-01-04 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-31 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-31 08:27 am (UTC)And the tattoo is beautiful!
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Date: 2015-12-31 05:53 pm (UTC)And yeah, she did a good job! I'm really happy : ) xx
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Date: 2015-12-31 09:15 am (UTC)Also, your hand and arm look *pretty*
*gives you New Years licks - carefully, around your sensitive tattooed skin* :D
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Date: 2015-12-31 05:55 pm (UTC)Definitely appreciating the licks. It's a bit sore and red : ( I shouldn't complain coz the itching should start soon! : ) xxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 12:08 pm (UTC)2016 WILL be awesome, darling, maybe I'll even get to see you in Holland this time? ILU ♥♥
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Date: 2015-12-31 05:58 pm (UTC)I'm really really hoping so. I'm determined to work really hard and get enough for my passport. It would be so nice to visit...it's good motivation : )
Miss you, My Pink. ILU2 xxxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 12:15 pm (UTC)The message is SO important - it's the same as what Jared is saying with his campaign aye? And of course the SPN message in my icon above :P
By having it in Japanese, many people will be interested in what it means, and maybe you'll have a chance to help others too :')
I hope you have a wonderful year BB
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Date: 2015-12-31 06:09 pm (UTC)It is a good message and the way that it's done in the anime is so powerful, it really stuck with me all this time.
I figured having it in Japanese I can make up a different story of what it means everytime : ) Sometimes it's nice to explain but people can be so rude about it. I've had strangers come up to me in the street and start running their hands over my tattoos before now. It's weird how they think it's gives them permission to interfere with you.
I hope you have a wonderful celebration tonight and that the New Year brings you all kinds of good things and happiness! Thank you so much again!! Xxxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 01:51 pm (UTC)I've been struggling this year too but I'm always here is you need a hand, ok? Never doubt. ♥
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Date: 2015-12-31 06:11 pm (UTC)I think this last year has been hard for so many of us. I'm hoping we can keep positive and maybe tulpa some good things for us in 2016.
And that works both ways, Darling. Always here for you xxxxxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 03:20 pm (UTC)This last couple of years with you on my flist and migrating from online friend to RL friend has been a wonderful experience, and I know you've struggled but I've found you to be refreshing, caring, kind, intelligent and a graceful person. I'm proud to have been gifted with the trust to see the real you and what you've been going through. Here's to the optimism continuing for 2016 honey *hugs you* xx
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Date: 2015-12-31 06:15 pm (UTC)It's going to be awesome for all of us, I hope : ) xxxx
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Date: 2015-12-31 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-31 09:49 pm (UTC)Xx
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Date: 2016-01-04 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-01 09:37 am (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2016-01-04 10:02 pm (UTC)You're just..I don't even know what to do with you!
*squishes you tight, doesn't let go* xxxxx
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Date: 2016-01-04 10:20 pm (UTC)